Nhật ký tuổi 30

Tôi trở về nơi tôi đã ra đi
Em vẫn đấy nhưng đâu còn là em nữa
Đâu ánh mắt đốt lòng tôi như lửa
Cánh **** vàng tha thẩn đậu lại bay...
Trên nóc tòa nhà bên kia đường, người ta đang quét sơn sân thượng màu trắng. Làm tôi nhớ đến cái lần tôi đòi quét sơn phòng học của Sư Phụ màu hồng choé, và Sư Phụ chịu đựng cái màu hồng choé đấy được đến 4 năm đến khi chúng tôi chia tay thì mừng rỡ quét ngay một màu sơn khác. Họ cũng làm tôi nhớ đến chuyện Tom Sawyer thu được một đống chiến lợi phẩm nhờ việc biến hình phạt quét vôi hàng rào thành một thứ hàng vừa mốt vừa xa xỉ. Tôi ước gì cuộc sống có thể đơn giản như thế. Chỉ phải lo nghĩ xem quét sơn kiểu gì, hết giờ làm thì bỏ bộ đồ bảo hộ lao động ra và đi uống bia với chiến hữu. Nhưng có lẽ cuộc sống của họ cũng chẳng đơn giản như thế.
Tôi vẫn hàng ngày ngắm mặt trời lặn, vẫn tranh thủ đi dưới mưa mấy ngày mưa bão, vẫn háo hức với nắng vàng gió hanh của trời thu, Pen Friend vẫn kiên nhẫn ngồi đọc sách hay ngồi quán nước chờ tôi đi ăn trưa, ăn tối, vẫn ân cần và thắm thiết như hôm nào, và có lẽ còn hơn thế nữa. Vậy cái gì đã đổi thay? Cái gì đã làm tôi nguội dần trước ánh mắt đã từng đốt lòng tôi như lửa? Có lẽ chẳng có gì khác, chỉ có bản thân tôi là thay đổi thôi. Lòng người sao mà khó lường, kể cả là bản thân mình đi nữa.
Có lẽ tôi đã đi một vòng tròn, và bây giờ tôi nhận thấy tôi đang trở về nơi tôi đã ra đi. Tôi đang trở về đây trầm ngâm nghĩ xem cái gì đã đổi thay. Không biết có bao giờ tôi tìm được câu trả lời hay không? Mà có quá nhiều thứ phụ thuộc vào câu trả lời đó.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:17 ngày 08/10/2007

Today, randomly, I was just thinking how drinking was not something that Su Phu and I did together, partly because of his decision to stop drinking while we started going out (only to resume it when we broke up). So one thing I never knew for sure is how he would look or behave when he is drunk, whether hê?Td become moody, sad, or hyper and talkative. I spoke to him a few times on the phone when he had had some drinks, and he often sounded different from his usual self. But that?Ts all I?Td ever know.
I got drunk a couple of times in my life, and I think that?Ts more than enough. But getting drunk aside, I always like the light-headed feeling that alcohol gives me. He knew that, and he seemed to get so much amusement out of watching me in that stage. His most favourite question, all the time, is ?oare you drunk??
I love wines, liquor, ****tails, anything that smells good, or tastes sweet or bittersweet. But my alcohol tolerance is annoyingly low. There was that one time we went to Paris, the kingdom of wines and aperitif, and ventured into a corner restaurant in Monpartnasse, where I eloquently ordered a glass of the house aperitif. Turned out, it was a huge glass, filled to the brim. I drank and drank and drank, got all red and tipsy, and two hours later, it still looked as though I hadn?Tt touched it at all!
I was also thinking about all these times I tagged along with friends to the pub, had some gin tonic, Bailey, Irish coffee or margarita, dowsed it with a huge bottle of water by the side, and my face still burnt for the next couple of hours. Su Phu would come to pick me up at the station when the alcohol was still there on my face and beating away in my pulse.
These random thoughts popped up because it seems I always attract the wrong guys by ordering ****tails sitting in a bar in Hanoi. Last night, it was no different. Times like yesterday made me miss that nomad life, where I can order anything in a pub or a bar, anywhere else outside Vietnam, and would not attract a stare. Or at least, it would not entice a 60 years old-looking expat (claiming to have been in Hanoi for a few years) to strike a conversation with me. I even miss that amused look bartenders or friends often tried *****ppress when I ordered a juice in a pub, or when I cannot finish a glass of beer watching football with friends. Here, it seems as though the only time I can order something that is not a juice, is in friends?T makeshift bars at their apartments. That makes me feel nostalgic sometimes.
So somehow I look forward to checking out your cafe at Trieu Viet Vuong. I?Tm sure I can drink in peace there.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 16:40 ngày 11/10/2007

It is time to sit down to take a long, hard look at myself and soul-search: what has changed, after all this time of being fascinated and infatuated with the e-mails, why is my fascination with the person disappearing? I am slowly inching forward, but with all these reservations and weariness. I can see pieces of the puzzle, but I don?Tt know the whole picture. And perhaps the sum of the problem is bigger than the parts comprising the problem. Especially when they all hit me in a short span of time.
First of all, I am well aware that Pen Friend?Ts being in this city is like a fish being out of water. He has to rely on me to find his way around, adapting to a whole new culture and society, coping with food poisoning and nosy neighbours, learning the language and subtle etiquettes (a tricky thing to learn with us Hanoians), trying to read between the lines, and trying to find a job while doing all of these. That is tough. In a way hê?Ts handling it really well. Frankly I may not be able to cope with all of these things myself. But inevitably, it is disheartening having to give him guidance and be there for him to count on 24/7. Hê?Ts no longer the decisive, know-it-all type. Turned out, I have to be the expert, and that doubles up the work I?Tm doing. I?Tm watching out for myself, and I?Tm watching out for him too. Hê?Ts a little lost and not knowing what to do all the time. For a while, hê?Ts not my shoulders to cry on, if anything it is the opposite. It is perhaps understandable the attraction is lost somehow.
Second of all, all we seem to talk about these days is work, work and work. We talk about work at mealtime, when we are out with friends, when we watch the sunset, when we go trekking, when we baby-sit my nieces, etc. etc. He must be anxious and stressed out about finding a job. But it is driving me insane. Hê?Ts aware of it but things hardly change at all. Sometimes I feel as though we were business partners rather than a regular couple. Sometimes I secretly want a break from all of this and get back to being single!
That?Ts part one of the soul-searching exercise. I?Tll be back for more.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:04 ngày 12/10/2007

Xin chia buồn với chị,,,,,,,
Không biết bây giờ chị đã vui hơn chưa, nhưng em luôn mong và tin chị sẽ tìm được người yêu chị hơn thế nhiều, thật nhiều,,,,,,,

Then onto part two, the emotional side. There, we have trust issues. I have to be careful here: ?otrust? is a loaded word; it is abstract and laden with heavy stakes. But really, boiled down to the basics, trust could be over-simplified like so: I trust we love each other. I trust this is an exclusive relationship, and either of us could declare a break-up if it turns out that the other has not been faithful. I trust we care about each other, and we each have the other?Ts best interests at heart. That means if I know something would upset you, then I wouldn?Tt do it, and I trust you would do the same for me. If necessary, we could always use this test: how does it feel like on the receiving end?
The days when I automatically trusted someone (or at least, trusted men) uncon***ionally had long gone. Realising that makes me sad. Worse than sad. Anyway, I just have to live with it now. But Pen Friend?Ts approach does not help either. The situation with his ex is complicated, and he has either misled me or lied to me a couple of times about how he and she relate, and what the complications are. Maybe hê?Ts afraid that the truth would be upsetting. But I wish he had known better than doing that: somehow, I just know it when he lies, and it distresses me (talk about being super-sensitive as a liability!). It makes me miserable. It erodes my trust. How could I go on with someone who has eroded my trust?
Flipping the issue around, maybe this is not about him, maybe it is all about me. Deep down inside, I am indecisive, choosey and perfectionistic. What makes it worse is that, sometimes, I honestly believe I?Tm really easy and not choosey at all (!). And maybe I have expected too much. High expectations always bring serious disappointments. Maybe I deserve to die a spinster and be eaten by termites...
Su Phu told me the other day that the older we are, the more complicated relationships would be. I shouldn?Tt expect relationships at this stage to be all about flowers, movie date nights, watching moonlight on the beach. I should know it?Ts also about planning a home together, how to save up enough to have kids, to have proper healthcare and retirement funds, etc. etc. So the bottom line is I shouldn?Tt shut Pen Friend out just because of some complications. But then, how much complication is too much?
On top of those things, I realise I don?Tt communicate with him as well as I used to do in past relationships. I am no longer direct and blunt. I am stewing these things in my head and getting distressed and frustrated, but I am afraid of giving him more reasons to get stressed out (in ad***ion to coping with the job search and a strange country). Maybe I should learn to get it out somehow.
For now, I don?Tt know what I am waiting for. Perhaps the stakes are too high, given the fact that he left everything he has to come here to be with me, and that stops me from calling it a day. Perhaps I am still giving him and myself a chance, unconsciously. Perhaps I am waiting for a miracle. Perhaps I am hoping that things would work themselves out. I don?Tt really know.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 10:16 ngày 14/10/2007

Chưa 30, nhưng cũng sẽ tới 30, vì thế muốn tham gia ké với bác chủ topic

Chào em, em cứ vào chơi thôi, welcome, nhưng chưa tới 30 thì cứ hưởng thụ cuộc sống đi, cần gì phải "đi trước thời đại" như thế, dễ mất ngủ lắm em ơi!

Just some thoughtsõ?Ư
Your actual passage of life is much alike what my husband and Iõ?Tve been through. Iõ?Tve read through almost all of your posts and found parts of myself in them. Thatõ?Ts the reason why I believe what your previous confirmation about your insides is not true
Deep down inside, I am indecisive, choosey and perfectionistic.
No, my dear, you are just scared, fragile and sensible. The fact of being choosey and perfectionist is just a consequence of being afraid of making mistakes. Who is not like that in his ego?
Sometimes, at certain scenes youõ?Tve described, at certain feelings youõ?Tve revealed, memories came back to me.
I am unable to write as good as you did to share my moments, or at least to keep these moments for myself, but totally able to touch the feeling that you were embracing at each and every moment. I imagined the scene where you were sitting in front of a bar, in Hanoi, solitaire, proud and awaiting. Iõ?Tve been through that too, to understand that Iõ?Tve awaited for all those came-alone aged foreigners to come to tie a conversation as it was due, that Iõ?Tve awaited to see the same questioning, amazing and ironic eyes from other people, especially females, from the bartenders, from the young local who just dared to observe and to comment behind your back, and who would definitely not making any step forward. Waiting, just for, once more, confirming to me that Iõ?Tve always anticipated what could happen and how it would happen.
Sometimes, I even couldnõ?Tt allow myself to think that things could happen not as we scheduled or anticipated.
My husband, who I met 4 years ago on the internet, who came to Vietnam 2.5 years ago following his heartõ?Ts calling, and who stayed there for 1.5 year, crossing through all the phases that your Pen Friend is crossing: discovering, liberty, amusement, stress, unemployment, disappointment, fear, hope and love to conquer my love, trust and life, is now just next to me, for real.
Everything was not easy as life is never gonna be easy!
Give cre*** to him for the proof of love heõ?Ts brought to you. Give cre*** to yourself for the efforts youõ?Tve made and because you deserve it. Give a certain hope and belief to your relationship before trying to solve the problems.
I am much far behind you in terms of life experiences, but I may be one step in advance on this rather similar way of love and trust (in others and in ourselves).
Wish you all the bests!

Thanks nhoc_tmt, for being sweet. It is a consolation to know I am not the only one. Yes I am still optimistic that I will get there some time or another, with Pen Friend, maybe, or with someone else, entirely. I just need a rest somewhere.
I had a long chat with a friend yesterday, and the chat sort of made me sad somehow. She is in a relationship which could best be described as somewhat unsatisfying to her. She left her then boyfriend a couple of years ago to be with this man, and soon later found that he is not really the man she wanted (hê?Ts not caring enough, not arty enough, not sweet enough, etc.). She is still with this man but gets more and more unhappy. And with hindsight, the ex whom she left seemed to be close to perfect.
I have compassion for her, as she is one of the sweetest girls I ever met. And also because all of that sounds too familiar. At one point or another, I have gone through what she is going through. Getting all excited while starting a relationship with my year-long crush, then see myself humming Peggy Leê?Ts ?oIs that all there is?? tune. It?Ts bad, I know, but whenever I feel unsatisfied in a current relationship, I tend to look back, and think the ex is the best man I left behind, feeling nostalgic for the old times, for the old person.
But really, given the chance to be back with any of the exes, permanently, perhaps I will certainly say no. So really what I should do is to give myself a good shake and try to make the current relationship work instead of feeling nostalgic about the past ones.
Things improve a little with Pen Friend. He is working in Hanoi with my friends, sporadically, and that puts him in touch with normal people (versus just me and my peculiar friends). We had a couple of serious fights, and somehow fighting helps us communicate better. Winter is here, and he likes the cooler weather. So things are definitely getting better, especially when we look at it on a good day, over the candlelight...

Mình cũng vừa bước sang tuổi 30 vài tuần.
Có gì mới nhỉ chắc có lẽ mình có một cái nhìn mới về cuộc sống và con người khác hơn trước và điều đó không phải tự nhiên mà để có nó mình đã trãi qua 30 cái xuân rồi.
Vẩn còn nhiều trăn trở...về cuộc sống và tình yêu