Standing in the rain.

Proof-reading?

Anything you''''d like to call it. Newest piece from me, at 122.08 a.m this morning. Hope you like it. All comments are welcomed at silversun80@hotmail.com.

Remember, this story is original and copy-righted for me. Please ask for permission before using elsewhere. Thanks.

- Sil.

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Title: Standing in the rain - Chapter 1.
By: Silversun.
Email: Silversun80@hotmail.com

It is 12.08 a.m and Iõ?Tm staying up after a long night of work, long hours of smiling at people, pretending youõ?Tre all happy that theyõ?Tre all happy. Actually, I am happy to just see random strangers being happy. I often feel all nice and warm when I see two strangers holding hands, putting fluffy coats on each other, doing silly dances, or even buying strange things with weird goofy grins on their faces.

But now all that was me has gone. I feel like I have lost it all. Lost myself, drowned my identity, all that I have known, and worst of all, all that I have felt is lost in the big black abyss. I donõ?Tt feel generally empty, itõ?Ts more like a feelingõ?Ưwhen you have a huge black hole inside of you that keeps on sucking, and sucking everything out of you, and for every moment you are acutely aware of losing yourself, untilõ?T a point when everything has been sucked and you donõ?Tt even know what else youõ?Tve got left to lose.

Probably nothing. I have nothing left. Logically speaking, I feel like this because of a guy. A guy. A male. A male younger than me by a year. A male whomõ?Ưwas as average as his age, his gender comes. A male whom had nothing in common with me, infact, hated everything I liked and loved everything I disliked. Thatõ?Ts how ironic life was, I supposed life likes playing jokes on me. Sure enough, he was average, but there was something about him. Perhaps that we were so different, some sort of strange pulling force that drew me to him, like a moth to a flame. I guess I should have known better, because I am completely burnt out now.

Burnt to ashes. Blacken, light, and lost to the air.

I loved him. I had loved him as much as I could ever love anything. I had loved him like I couldnõ?Tt live another day to love him, not even the next minute. I had loved him like the movies, like the novels, like everything you would expect love to be. I was never ashamed of this love, even though I thought it strange to feel so much for someone my age. Okay, now I just sound plain cynical, but it was true, I had loved him so, how I did.

He had loved me too. Loved, needed and wanted me, unhealthily and obsessively. Sometimes when I looked at us, I couldnõ?Tt recognise which part was me, and which was his, it all seemed extremely confusing, like we were one mismatched mush-mash thing, but just one thing, not two.

Itõ?Ts stupid to start describing it now because I have even lost that very ability in me, to speak about my emotions. Why. I feel dead. Thereõ?Ts not much to talk about now, except that very fact. I just feel very dead.

He had moved on. How he had. Heõ?Ts probably loving, needing and wanting another girl right now as we speak. Even the moment that I called, that I cried, that I stood outside his door and begged for forgiveness, he had slammed the door in my face. Slammed the door to the rooms of emotions, memories, of all that we had, of that mismatched mush-mash reflection of us. Now we are two separate people, one broken, lost, empty, dead, and one, well, so-so.

There is someone at the door. Let me go get it.

At 12.20 a.m?

Oh, itõ?Ts somebody. Actually, I suppose heõ?Ts more than just somebody. My roommate, Andrew. I wonder when he will come back with a different smell. Always scotch, scotch, more scotch please. I never really saw the point of alcohol. Superficial high, then why be high at all.

Wait, heõ?Ts speaking to me.

õ?oWhy does this place seem so dull?õ? õ?" He has the nerves.

õ?oOf course, without you darling, this place would always be dull. I would stay up all night, watching Oprah, desperately trying to find my inner child with the aid of ice-cream and other random assorted fatty substances, whilst crying and thinking what a horrible, miserable lonely spinster I am, waiting for youõ?.

õ?oHuh?õ?

Iõ?Tm shaking my head, and heõ?Ts grinning at me.

õ?oAndrew, you shouldnõ?Tt get drunk so often.õ?

õ?oBut when I am drunk, things seem incredibly clearer. You are all of those. Why? Because of some dumbass who turned up on your door 10 months ago with a few corny love letters and flowers, a few more along the way, and now youõ?Tre..how do you say it? Consuming fatty substances whilst watching Oprah?õ?

õ?oFinding the inner child Andrew..and I guess youõ?Tre not so drunk then.õ?

õ?oYou know, Nina, I would date you.õ?

õ?oVery funny. You donõ?Tt date somebody who knows all your bloody tricks and worst yet, all the weekly colours of your underwear. Speaking of which, your laundry isnõ?Tt done.õ?

õ?oDate me. And we could do my laundry togetherõ?

õ?oYup. Dream of my life.õ?

õ?oIõ?Tm serious. Dead serious. Date me.õ?

Yes..I know, right now all of you are wide-eyed with wonder and surprise. But let me tell you, he says this often, and heõ?Ts very drunk despite his efforts of making conversations with me. And yes, I do know all the weekly colours of his underwear, and no, I donõ?Tt want to do his laundry. Heõ?Tll be fine in the morning.

õ?oThereõ?Ts left-over pizzaõ?Ư nevermind, just collapse on the couch, stink like hell, knock yourself out and do your laundry tomorrow. Good night, Andrewõ?

õ?oHow come you never call me Andy? Like they all do? Ninaõ?ƯIõ?Tm inlove with you. Date me.õ?

õ?oGo to sleep, Andrewõ?.

Heõ?Ts grinning at me again, the stupid impossible drunk idiot. That grin of his, I know it so well, I have seen it more often to last me a college life time, yet õ?~till now, I still can not figure out whatõ?Ts in that disfigured mind of his.

õ?oGood night Ninaõ?

õ?oGood morning.õ?

õ?oHuh?õ?

õ?oNevermindõ?.

Anyway..where were we? Heõ?Ts sleeping on the couch again. I remember it used to be blue when we first picked it out, now itõ?Ts almost grey. There it goes againõ?ƯI used to make out with õ?~the guyõ?T on the couch. This stinks. I think I will buy a new couch.

I canõ?Tt believe this. I was writing so seriously. About how dead and empty I am, and this drunk idiot got home, and now I just feel like laughing. He always ruins things for me, he even ruins me.

Where was I? Oh yes..I feel dead. No, I donõ?Tt feel dead. I donõ?Tt feel anything. Iõ?Tm just, generally dead, generally alive yes and generally dead too.


******************************************
õ?oAndrew, get dressed, weõ?Tre going out to buy a new couchõ?.

õ?oNina, itõ?Ts 11 a.m. Too early.õ?

õ?oYouõ?Tve slept enough.õ?

õ?oOh no, too early for shops to be opened.õ?

õ?oVery funny. Get dressed. Iõ?Tll wait in the carõ?

Where, you suppose, does one buy a new cheap blue coloured, extremely different looking compared to the current conventional couch that weõ?Tve always had?

Hmmõ?Ư somewhere, I am sure. But I donõ?Tt really care. I could drive around all day looking at leaves falling, feeling superficially cold while the broken heater in my car roars, competing with Andrewõ?Ts snoring. You can almost see his hair moving because of so much air battling.

õ?oWake up Andrew. Weõ?Tre thereõ?

õ?oWeõ?Tre where?õ?

õ?oYard sale. I like that couch over thereõ?

õ?oHuh?õ?

õ?oAndrew, when are you ever awake?õ?

õ?oI would be if you tell me that you would date me, Ninaõ?

õ?oI would date you. Now wake up, I want that couch over thereõ?.

õ?oYes, my dream came true. Now it just means that I have to sell everything, board a plane to Alaska, get married to you and have lots of Eskimo children. But otherwise, I will buy and do anything for you Nina. Even if it means buying that ugly blue-grey thing over there.õ?

He lazily gets out of the car, mumbles something to the lady with an unspeakable large red scarf on her head, and walks towards the couch.

õ?oItõ?Ts a nice couch Andrewõ?

õ?oWhy are we buying a new one anyway?õ?

õ?oBecause I used to make out with the guy on the couch. Canõ?Tt stand seeing you sleeping it in every night nowõ?

õ?oNina, weõ?Tre not buying a new couchõ?.

And just like that, he walks away from the couch, mumbles something to the lady with an unspeakably large red scarf on her head, and gets in the car. I run after him and get hold of his arm.

õ?oWhat? Why? Is it the colour? Our current one is almost grey anyway.õ?

Then he looks at me. The grin disappears and the sleepy eyes gone too.

õ?oNo. Nina. I just wonõ?Tt let you make one more decision concerning your life because of õ?~the guyõ?T ever again. And now, weõ?Tre going home. Iõ?Tll drive.õ?

What is with him? I like that couch. A lot.

*********************************************************

There must have been something wrong with me. From the start. Or maybe somewhere in the middle. Or even towards the end of the relationship. Perhaps because one day, I just didnõ?Tt see him anymore. All I saw was me, a large me, over shadowing him, crying, feeling sorry for myself, like I am now. I donõ?Tt know, all I know is just one day, we had a date, he didnõ?Tt come.
He had forgotten that we had a date that day.

õ?oNina, I forgot to do the laundry. Want to go down the street, get it done, then we can grab something to eat on the way, my treat. Then we can go get really really drunk, and never come home.õ?

õ?oAh, you forgot the rest of it Andrew, what about the Eskimo children?õ?

He opens my closet, grabs my jacket threw it on me, takes the keys, turns to me, and grins. Again.

õ?oLetõ?Ts go. Nina. After all, you said you would date me this morning, didnõ?Tt you?õ?

I walk out of the apartment, clinging to his arms, shivering from the December cold. Itõ?Ts going to rain sometimes today. The weather forecast says so.

I used to be able to tell when it was going to rain, by just standing in the wind and tasting it, but now, I donõ?Tt feel anything anymore. All I see when I think of rain, is me, and õ?~the guyõ?T sharing a wind-shattered umbrella, him kissing me and telling me the sky envies my beauty, thatõ?Ts why itõ?Ts crying.

õ?oNina. I donõ?Tt want to be dating a woman and her ghost of an ex-boyfriend at the same time.õ?

õ?oWhy do you think it rains Andrew?õ?

õ?oBecause people are afraid to cry, so it rainsõ?

õ?oIõ?Tm afraid to cry Andrewõ?Ưõ? My throat moves, and I choke up these words. In my head, everything seems blurry. It is the guy again, him standing there, with a black umbrella, õ?~Its broken. My sister is going to kill meõ?T he said, then he walked straight towards me and kissed me and then every single raindrop felt acutely real on every inch of my skin.

Someone is shaking me. I look up. Itõ?Ts Andrew. Heõ?Ts looking at me with his large brown eyes againõ?ƯI never noticed there are hazel bits in them.

His lips are moving.

õ?oNina. Stop thinking about him. It wonõ?Tt happen again. Just wake up. Heõ?Ts not worth it. Itõ?Ts not raining for him, Nina. Itõ?Ts raining for you.õ?

õ?oAndrewõ?Ưhold me. Hold me, fast.õ? Words form from my throat. I can taste something on the tip of my tongue, maybe itõ?Ts the rain, maybe itõ?Ts my tears, I donõ?Tt know. But I feel something, I feel painõ?Ư

Andrew holds me. He feels so much taller and bigger..so warm.

Weõ?Tre standing in the rain.

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End of chapter 1. Chapter 2 will be written soon! All feedbacks are welcomed.

Is this too confusing for everyone?
Or did it just suck?
Or maybe noone has any idea what I''m talking about..-_-;;
Bleh. Whateverthehell. I''ll write chapter 2 someday.

Title: Standing in the rain - Chapter 2.
By: Silversun.
Email: Silversun80@hotmail.com.
All feedbacks again, are welcomed.
-Sil.
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My head is spinning. Round. Round. And round. This morning I woke up and I had forgotten to breath.
How did I let a guy ruined me? Completely destroyed me? I had forgotten my liberty to breath. To live. To feel alive. That I?Tm just going to get out of bed, put on some random outfit, march to Uni, pretend to be listening to Chemistry whilst having suicidal thoughts?
God..I don?Tt know what is wrong with me. I?Tm frustrated. Hurt. In agony. I?Tm trapped inside this self-created bubble, and he stands outside, laughing and being cruel to me.
?oNina Terrance. What is your answer to question 7??
?oI don?Tt care.?
?oExcuse me??
?o1, 1 dimethyl cyclopentanê?
*********
And what is he saying again? I don?Tt know. I had forgotten my Chemistry lecturer?Ts name. I don?Tt know anything anymore. I don?Tt remember anything anymore.
Where am I? Oh yes..some restaurant. Andrew. Having dinner. Why am I here? Oh yes?it?Ts Andrew?Ts birthday, and wê?Tre having dinner at this Asian restaurant..I think the only one that I hadn?Tt been to with ?~the guy?T on a date.
?oNina. Wake up. I?Tll order you specially stewed bamboo shoots, Miss. Koalâ?.
I slowly mumble underneath my breath. ?oKoalas don?Tt eat bamboo, they eat eucalyptus leaves?.
This mundane, grievous world just has to be such a bitch, doesn?Tt it. Because everywhere I go I see him. Out of the corner of my eyes..I see him. Am I seeing things? Why is he haunting me? But I realise that I?Tm probably not seeing things because at that instant, Andrew grabs me hurriedly by the arm and swings me around and brings me to a close lungs-breaking hug.
?oAndrew?did I just..?
?oNo, Nina. No, Nina. Let?Ts go. I hate this place anyway??
But I turn around, and there he is, sitting, smiling and laughing with the very girl he used to date. The one that he hated everything about, her hair, her perfume, her clothes, her hobbies, her house, her family..her dog?what am I saying? My brain. My mind. My heart. They are all going to explode. Hê?Ts here. Hê?Ts fine. With her. God. This green monster in mê?jealousy is creeping in my head. Pain. Too much pain, I feel choked, drowned. I hold on tightly to Andrew?Ts arm. Tears.
?oNo, Nina. Don?Tt cry. Not now. Not here. Only in the rain?Please..Nina..Pleasê??
I don?Tt think I?Tm making any noise. But tears are falling. Fast. On Andrew?Ts arm. There he is. With the same face. The same clothes. The same hands. The same smile, the same lame jokes. He sees me. I swear he does. Wait..he sees me but he doesn?Tt see me. He had stopped seeing me for a long time agô?I was..simply nothing anymore.
More tears..
Where am I. The world is dissolving. Andrew is dragging me out into the street. I fall lifelessly in his arms. The familiar scent of his cologne doesn?Tt awake me. I feel like I?Tm drowning in a strange twilight zonê?that if I wake up..if only I wake up?I would be overwhelmed with sufferings. With realisations.
I just saw. Him. Who loved me, whom I loved. With the very girl he hated.
What is the world coming to?
I feel faint. Dizzy. And faint. Weak.
?oNina, please. Don?Tt let him hurt you..Please..don?Tt be hurt. Please, pleasê?I?Tll marry you. I?Tll bring you home and have beautiful children with you. I?Tll buy you ten millions couches..please..just don?Tt be hurt..just??
I can?Tt make out what Andrew is saying anymore. I stare at him through the glass window of the restaurant. He has his hand on her hand. And shê?Ts drinking. Hê?Ts drinking too, the same old drink he always has everytime, iced coffee. Everything is the same, it?Ts just not me anymore. I?Tm standing out here instead, freezing in the rain, clinging to Andrew?
?oNinâ?Ninâ?Nina..Please..?
His voice..his eyes, his touches?I feel it all. Everything is flashing past me. I look at Andrew, Andrew isn?Tt changing, Andrew is still Andrew in my eyes.
?oAndrew..It hurts. Kiss me.?
I don?Tt know anything anymore. Everything spins and swirls, and even when Andrew?Ts eyes come closer and closer to mine, almost as if his mind is touching my mind. I just can?Tt be reached, I just can?Tt be, can?Tt you see..Andrew? I?Tm dead. I?Tm dead. Dead already.
And his lips touch mine. Andrew?Ts. I don?Tt feel anything. Instead, tears are just streaming from my eyes. My first kiss?with ?~the guy?T?and my first kiss with Andrew?what am I doing?I don?Tt know. I don?Tt care anymore. I don?Tt seem to recognise the ground I?Tm standing on.
All I know is, rain is falling.

Is this a love novel or what? Can you give any reasons why you want to write it not in your mother tongue but in English? Seems like you''re living in (or have been to) the US.

No..I''ve never been to the US. ^^
And why? To improve my English of course. =P
..Seriously? They just come..those English words..I feel more comfortable writing it like this. It''s almost like a mask to hide from..

Sil, keep up your good work, your stories always fascinate me but really, I have no time to read it right now.
Take care, Sil!

just read it, feel quite good, your english expressions seem to be very good, much better than me...
ur story to me is like a diary, a diary of urself, too much for feelings. I think a good story should build a good surrounding environment and other details that shall make the whole pictures look more vivid... and those shall make ur story more enjoyable...
anyway just a comment after 20minutes... I will read it more careful... sorry if I made you annoyed ... continue with ur works...

^_______^ Thanks Charisma for the constructive criticism.
I am not in any way annoyed. You''re very sharp with commenting that it''s very journal/dairy-ish like. It is indeed, entries taken from my very own dairy after my own break-up. This story... is more like a reflective contemporary piece created as a mean for my mind to escape...not very story-like as you can tell.
My other stories though, are very plotted and story-like. If you''re interetested. =) Check them out.
http://sil.sinfree.net/stories.html
Read "Whirlwind of Fate" My completed favourite.

Sil-chan
Have you considered a R-rating story?

I don''t think so. ^^; Actually, I''m quite sure that''s it''s a definite "No".
I think it would be rather distasteful. ^^;;