Thử dịch những mẩu chuyện nhỏ các bạn ơi!!! Mục lục trang 1

I have a short story here for you. I can understand but not very clearly.
The athiest
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene froze in place.
As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn''t believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn''t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won''t work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

Gã vô thần.
Một gã vô thần đang câu cá trong một ngày yên tĩnh thì thình lình, ghe của gã bị tấn công bởi con quái vật (hồ) Loch Ness, bằng một cái quẫy nhẹ nhàng, con quái vật đã quăng gã và chiếc ghe lên không ít nhất là 100 bộ và há miệng ra chờ bên dưới để nuốt chửng gã nọ cùng chiếc ghe. Khi đang lộn nhào và bắt đầu rơi về phía cái hàm đang ngoác ra của con quái vật kinh khủng, gã la lên : "Chúa ơi, cứu con". Đột nhiên, mọi sự ngưng ngay lại.
Khi gã vô thần đang lơ lững giữa không trung thì một giọng vang rền từ trên mây nói: "Ta nghĩ ngươi đã không tin vào ta". " Chúa ơi, thôi mà, cho con xin đi ". Gã năn nỉ, " Chỉ mới hồi nãy đây thôi, con cũng đâu có tin là có con quái vật Loch Ness này đâu " Chúa nói :"À, bây giờ khi con là tín đồ thì con phải hiểu rằng ta không làm phép lạ để cứu con thoát khỏi cái chết chắc chắn trong mồm quái vật, nhưng ta có thể thay đổi tâm tính, vậy con muốn ta làm gì?" Gã vô thần suy nghĩ một lúc rồi nói :"Lạy Chúa, xin hãy làm cho con quái vật tin vào Ngài luôn đi ". Chúa trả lời: "Hãy như thế".
Mọi vật tiếp tục chuyển động trở lại và gã kia tiếp tục rơi về cái mồm đói khát của con vật kinh khủng. Khi ấy, bỗng thấy con quái vật Loch Ness xếp vuốt (chắp tay) lại và nói: " Lạy Chúa, xin chúc lành cho của ăn mà người đã rộng ban ....."
Được gun_ho sửa chữa / chuyển vào 04:38 ngày 26/10/2005

Let''s have fun
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is ***?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she''s old enough to know to ask the question, then she''s old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of making love. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face he asked, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."
He he truyen nay qua de phai khong?

Have You Ever Wonder?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why women can''t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don''t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn''t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn''t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don''t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don''t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Em xin post một chuyện để các pác cùng dịch cho vui, OK nhỉ? A Farewell Gift
By Jim Comstock
My wife and I had just finished the 150-mile trip home from our daughter''s college. It was the first time in our lives that she would be gone for any length of time. We wondered how other people had survived it.
Later in bed, I thought of the time I started college. My father had driven me too. We rode in the farm truck. In the back was the trunk I had bought with money earned by pitching hay that summer. My mother had to stay behind to keep the cattle from getting into the crops. I, the fourth in a line of brothers, was the first to go away to college. My mother cried, and I cried; after we were out of sight of the farm, I began to feel jellylike and scared.
The truck was slow, and I was glad. I didn''t want to get to the city too soon. I remembered how my father and I stopped by a stream and ate the sandwiches my mother had prepared.
My daughter''s day was different, of course. We stopped at a classy roadside place and ordered fried chicken. Then we went to the dormitory, and my wife talked with the housemother. When she came back, she was wiping her eyes. It wasn''t until we were passing through the next town that she discovered our daughter had forgotten to take out the portable radio and record player. I told her she should have put it in the trunk with the other things, not in the back seat.
Now I heard a sob beside me. I knew that my wife was thinking about the new kind of loneliness before us.
My father didn''t let me stay at the dormitory. A room in a private home was cheaper and better if a student wanted to work his way through. But I didn''t have a room. My father told me that we''d leave my trunk at a filling station. I could come for it the next day after I had found a place to stay. We toured the town a bit, but the traffic confused him. I said maybe I''d better go on my own.
I shook hands with my father in the truck. For a long, haunting moment he looked straight ahead, not saying a word, but I knew he was going to make a little speech. "I can''t tell you nothing," he finally said. "I never went to college, and none of your brothers went to college. I can''t say don''t do this and do that, because everything is different and I don''t know what is going to come up. I can''t help you much with money either, but I think things will work out."
He gave me a brand-new checkbook. "If things get pushing, write a small check. But when you write one, send me a letter and let me know how much. There are some things we can always sell." In four years, the total of all the checks I wrote was less than a thousand dollars. My jobs chauffeuring a rich lady, janitoring at the library, reading to a blind student and baby-sitting professors'' kids filled in the financial gaps.
"You know what you want to be, and they''ll tell you what to take," my father continued. "When you get a job, be sure it''s honest and work hard." I knew that soon I would be alone in the big town, and I would be missing the furrowed ground, cool breezes and a life where your thinking was done for you.
Then my dad reached down beside his seat and brought out the old, dingy Bible that he had read so often, the one he used when he wanted to look something up in a friendly argument with one of the neighbors. I knew he would miss it. I also knew, though, that I must take it.
He didn''t tell me to read it every morning. He just said, "This can help you if you will let it."
Did it help? I got through college without being a burden on my family. I have had a good earning capacity ever since.
When I finished school, I took the Bible back to my father, but he said he wanted me to keep it. "You will have a kid in school some day," he told me. "Let the first one take that Bible along."
Now, too late, I remember. It would have been so nice to have given it to my daughter when she got out of the car. But I didn''t. Things were different. I was prosperous and my father wasn''t. I had gone places. I could give her everything. My father could give me only a battered, old Bible. I''d been able to give my daughter what she needed.
Or had I? I don''t really believe now that I gave her half as much as my father gave me. So the next morning I wrapped up the book and sent it to her. I wrote a note. "This can help you," I penned, "if you will let it."[/green]

I am a new member And I want to join in translating short stories with you . I hope that you will help me . Thanks alot .

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses Ê500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and fall over dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Jones looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Delauney, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don''t make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I''m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, Raymond "Discreet" Delauney is what they call me, leave it to me."
Delauney walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Delauney says, "Your husband just lost Ê500 playing cards." She looks at him in disgust and says, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Delauney says, "I''ll tell him."
mỏằi ngặỏằi dỏằ<ch hỏằT em và em hỏằi tỏĂi sao ngặỏằi ta dạng thơ lỏằĐng cỏằĐng thỏ , 'ang ỏằY quĂ khỏằâ ( SIx guys were playing...) thơ lỏĂi nhỏÊy sang HIỏằ?n tỏĂi ( DElauney walks over ...., knocks on the door...)

Dịch thoáng :
Sáu kẻ đang chơi bài xì. Một gã tên Smith thua một ván 500 bảng Anh, ôm ngực gục xuống bàn chết tại chỗ.
Năm kẻ còn lại, để tỏ lòng kính trọng "chiến hữu" liệt sĩ, đứng lên và chơi cho hết ván bài. Một thằng tên Jones nhìn quanh và hỏi :"Ai đi báo cho vợ nó bây giờ nào ?". Cả bọn rút thăm xem đứa nào phải đi. Thằng bị "trúng mối" là Delauney, một thằng chuyên gặp vận xui.
Tất cả dặn Delauney là phải ăn nói cho khéo, cho lịch sự, đừng có làm chuyện rầy rà thêm. "Tế nhị ? Lịch sự ? Tao là người lịch sự nhất trên đời. "Tế nhị" là tên đệm của tao, người ta gọi tao là Raymond "Tế Nhị" Delauney. Để đó cho tao."
Delauney đến nhà thằng Smith, gõ cửa. Vợ Smith ra hỏi có việc gì. Delauney nói:"Chồng chị thua bạc hết 500 bảng Anh.". Chị vợ nghe xong cáu tiết :"BẢO NÓ ĐÂM ĐẦU MÀ CHẾT ĐI !" Delauney trả lời :"Vâng tôi sẽ bảo nó."
Hello Hujun,
1. Cách viết dùng Present tense là một cách kể một câu chuyện không nhất thiết hàm ý nằm trong quá khứ hay hiện tại. Sử dụng Present tense có hiệu quả đưa người đọc đến những tình huống bất ngờ, vì người ta có cảm giác câu chuyện đang diễn tiến ngay lúc đang đọc. Khác với lối viết kể chuyện bằng past tense, tức là chuyện đã xảy ra rồi thường dùng trong cổ tích, lịch sử, tường thuật, tin tức, lối viết dùng present tense thường được dùng trong chuyện khôi hài, khoa học giả tưởng, chuyện ma, gián điệp v.v... để tạo nhiều kịch tính.
2. Còn câu hỏi "tại sao lại dùng Six guys were playing poker ?" thì câu trả lời là : luôn luôn phải dùng thì quá khứ đơn diễn tiến (simple past progressive) khi diễn tả một hành động đang kéo dài thì một diễn biến đột nhiên xảy ra, dù cho toàn cảnh có nằm ở thì quá khứ hay hiện tại. Hành động đang kéo dài đó (playing poker) là background của câu chuyện, nên phải luôn luôn ở thì quá khứ diễn tiến.
3. Sự khôi hài ở đây là cách chơi chữ. To "drop dead" là một lời nguyền rủa ("chết đi !")
Được hbae787 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 10:03 ngày 13/01/2006

Các bác dịch thử bài này nhé...hay fết...
Differences between Guy and Girl: Guys drink to forget about the girl.. Girls drink to think back about the guy.. Guys can forget, but cannot forgive.. Girls can forgive, but cannot forget.. Guys care the most about the quantity of love.. Girls care the most about the quality of love.. Guys break-up when they feel love from another girl.. Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from her man.. Guys feel curiosity towards all girls.. Girls feel curiosity towards guys who care interested in her.. When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl.. When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy.. Guys wish to be her first love.. And girls wish to be his last
Đây là em dịch có gì các bác góp y với em nhé.....
Sự khác biệt giữa chàng trai và cô gái:
Chàng trai uống để quên về những cô gái, cô gái uống để nghĩ về những chàng trai...Chàng trai có thể lãng quên nhưng không thể tha thứ, cô gái có thể tha thứ nhưng không thể lãng quên....Chàng trai quan tâm nhất về tình yêu và cô gái cũng vậy....Tình yêu của các chàng trai tan vỡ khi họ cảm nhận tình yêu từ những cô gái khác và tình yêu của các cô gái tan vỡ khi họ cảm nhận được sự chia tay từ những người đàn ông của cô gái... Chang trai luôn tò mò với tất cả những cô gái và những cô gái cũng luôn để ý đến những chàng trai người mà quan tâm tới cô...Khi trái tim những chàng trai bị tổn thương, họ sẽ cố quên cô gái đó bằng cách đi chơi với những cô gái khác.Khi trái tim của những cô gái bị tổn thương họ sẽ cố gắng tìm những đặc tính của chàng trai đó từ những chàng trai khác.Chàng trai ước mong là tình yêu đầu của cô gái và cô gái ước là người yêu cuối cùng của chàng trai.....