To me

I'm sad. I'm sorry to post these things up, it saddens the atmosphere and make people feel down. I don't know. I just feel hopeless at the moment. I decided to write on here, as an unknown person. To my friends, you can guess who I am, that is fine. Just please, please do not make any comment relating to my identity. Feel free to tell me off for being an idiot, feel free to criticize on my personal life, but please, just remain the image of me, as an anonymous person.

I shall start from today, the day when I couldn't control my tears in the class room, and not surprisingly, no one took notice. It is not because I am not popular in the class, not because I'm a nerd who no one bothers to pay attention to. It is just because I am not charming, not nice, or whatever, enough for them to look at me, for once.

It is kind of good. I do not have to answer what made me feel sad, I do not have to explain the reason why they should have compassion for me. It is my wish, to appear cool and confident. A preson who everyone else relies on. A person whose shoulder is what people need when things ain't going smooth. Have anyone ever thought, for a second, that I need a hand too ?

Days go by, regularly, never has an exception happened. There are times that the world seemed to stop at me, everything gets annoying and weird. I hate those time so much. And sometimes I do cry. I got drunk, went around mashing stuff. But I can not get away with it. A new day comes, I have to , once again, sit down, and make a new plan, whispering to myself that life doesn't end (yet). I do not know why I have to follow these things, morals of life, parental wishes and advices. Perhaps it is just the way it is. Perhaps it is a circle that never ends, when I grow up and become a parent myself, I will treat the same to my children.."Darling, this is the best, this is what you have to know. You see, you are young..."

How I hate it so much. I read someone, that the person who feels most lonely in a group, is a person whom everyone else relies on. I am not that kind of leadership, but people do trust me. People do believe I can do this, I can do that, because I am me. That is fine. I just hope they would put themselves in my shoes. Once. Ever.

It is holidays coming. Holidays. It means people say nice things to each other, and wish everyone happy. Do they actually mean it ? I know, I'm a person of negativitism. I don't know if there is even such a word. But that basically means I'm very negative. I tend to look at the world with black glasses. I star at them, finding the tiniest mistake in their life, their manner, their behaviour, then criticizing them. All in my mind. I think that is why life is sick to me. My parents always tell me "Love, there are always good sides in everything". Yes, Mum, that is how we are taught, not how we are. Yes, Dad, life is that perfect, to you, not to me, who has witnessed so much within less than 20 years being alive, and subsequently, lost all hope and trust in the world.

i never think that a such young girl can think and act so .

A kiss is still a kiss in Casablanca
But a kiss is not a kiss without your sight
Please come back to me in Casablanca
I love you more and more each day as time goes by

hi there
im lazy to write mails to friends or post messages in here these days, but dont know why after reading what u say, i feel like writing you.

you see i dont know you at all, still im writing you, this means that someone who dont know u cares for you and still u means something to the world, so how come u think ppl around who know you dont care much or dont care for you at all ( hmm this is what i figure out from ur writing). i guess ur just abt my age too n not few ppl at our age, just more or less, have such feelings, see things in negative ways, find themselves meaningless, such and such. i myself is not an exception, often feel guilty, self-pity and not satisfied with myself, always wanna be an extraordinary but dont really strive for that n wonder if there s someone in this world cares a rat ass for me. what s else, close the door and forget abt time, leaving the world behind... heh it seems than im reading you inside out eh, why could i? coz it s normal among young ladies and mental men like us i think, trust me, what they write in their dairy is just like us ( oops dont ever think that im reading someone else's diary, i just guess, perhaps just a shot in the dark).So dont ever find urself odd and weird n that this world is not for you, better off thinking ur unique, hmm god knows, perhaps ur special but u dont know that. i wont say that it s advisable for you to change ur way of thinking, ur viewpoint towards life or to do this and this, i wont, coz im no better than you, i cant tell what is good and what is no good for me, let alone, for you and i know that that u have ur own way, u can and u want to decide ur own stuffs rite?
So what im doing, just drop you some words to cheer you up heh did i tell u that I am Master of the World? Master of the World is occupied most the time but im letting go a lil of my time to write you, so now ur proud of urself now huh? kidding okay

be confident, be cool and above of all be urself ... be happy as well, Veronique!
today im happy coz on the way to hmmmm... not home, i happend to see a flower vendor in the street and i was able to buy a big bunch of very fresh sunflowers (one of my fave stuffs). remind u that im not always happy, in fact im capricious ( ppl also say that im childish, funny and and.. sweet too hehehe and i ve found out that writing or burning candles is a good thing to do when ur in bad mood ( rather than drinkin or going round mashing stuffs like u do, ooh this reminds me of a song by Ash "....vandalism s fun when there s nothing to do, break a few things say it wasnt you..")
so long, i ll leave you here...bedtime too late too late
(gosh i may die tomorrow when i wake up coz these15 sunflowers i ve arranged in this vase placed very close to my bed will have absorbed all the oxygen...)
ahh once when i was down i wrote this stuff, wanna have a read at it? kinda cool silly stuff it may help you or u may consider it rubbish, either way, feel fine tomorrow okay


Who the hell I am?
-Kat-
The earth and the sky
They are seperated by a line
We can see but can never reach
The horizon, isnâ?Tt it?

My death and my life
Which I should choose to leave behind?
Where and when can they meet?
I canâ?Tt figure out though just a little bit.

Iâ?Tm sad and my heart cries
I love you and I donâ?Tt deny
But tomorrow things wonâ?Tt be the same
As today I realize that I should change.



- kat -
"...never let a kiss fool you or a fool kiss you"

Nue cuoc song theo ban nghi chi hoan hao duy nhat voi tat ca moi nguoi xung quanh ban va khong hoan hao chi voi duy nhat minh ban , minh xin 1 dieu la ong troi hay cho minh la nguoi thu hai ben canh ban ma cuoc song cung khong hoan hao voi minh , minh muon xem " su khong hoan hao cua cuoc song " co teh lam duoc gi minh , hay nguoc lai ...... minh se bat no phai lam theo i minh , tro nen hoan hao . Va minh se cam tay dat ban qua khoi cai cuoc song khong hoan hao do .
Dung bao gio nghi nhu vay 1 lan nua ! Ban la 1 nguoi may man lam day , ban biet khong ?
Tam biet !
Trong cuoc doi , khi ban gap kho khan , dieu do chung to ban dang that sự " sống mãnh liệt " , còn cuoc song ma luon bang phang va em dem , hay tu hoi " hinh nhu minh da chết "

Thanks for comforting me.
To toingannamdoi: I know I'm bad. I know I'm negative. Yet, did what I wrote really surprise you that much ? I've been wondering, that what my family, my friends, people who do know me in real life would react if they understand what I really think ?
To kat_kat: You reminded me of the time when I read my friend's diary. It is a shame to confess this, but I guess everyone has curiosity, more or less. Anyway, there was a few pages she wrote when she lost her temper. I was quite surprised towards her real feelings, in comparison with how she acted in real life. I realised that at point, that people are not always the same as what they appear to be. Neither am I. And that makes me guilty, annoyed, upset, or whatever most.
Children know eating candies a lot might be bad for their teeth. A number of criminals are aware of their guilty actions. Teenagers understand hiding their bad marks from parents doesn't help. Still, how many people can say they haven't done bad things in their life, or that they know something is bad and they never did/do that ? It is, how can I say, a very terrible feeling, when something is dead wrong, and you still have to, for some reason, do it.
You wrote that I was special. Hang on, you only wrote that perhaps I was special, but I did not know that. Yes, I do kat_kat. I know I am special. In the eyes of some people. Not in me. How can I think that I am special, if I am aware about all of my ridiculous actions, of my jealous heart or even of my cruel wishes ? Let me make some some excuses. I needed to lie to my parents, since they are in a different world and they do not understand me. I had to be friendly with the girl next door in order to borrow her books from time to time, although I hate her too much.
Gosh, now I don't even know if this is good, telling people who I am. I think I am ashamed of it. Then I will have flaws. Then I will lose my cool face, and become just another ordinary person. How funny, I remember I used to be determined that I would become the first perfect person in the world. Don't laugh. I know that is impossible, but I didn't before. I thought if I keep following morals, think before act, have a heart for everyone, I would be angelish. Or to use the exact word, be "perfect".
Your poem is another confusion There are questions that can never answered, or, answered properly. Someone might find out their own satisfactory answer, then if they are still interested in the matter, nine out of ten they would seek for another, more satisfactory, answer. Isn't it the same as what people offen call, flowerily, "the purpose of life" ? I have no idea what is the purpose of life. I would probably answer that it is to earn yourself an education, build up a stable career as well as a happy family, and take care of people who love you and whom you love. But, that is of what books say.
To incredimail: You can not escape from an imperfect life. No one can. What they do, is not changing the world, but changing their attitudes. Am I lucky ? I don't know. Yes I am lucky to be born in a happy family, to etc etc. Yet I am still seeking for something. Perhaps if I stop pondering complicatedly, and start to do my assignments now, it would be a little bit better. Then I would have one less thing to worry "Why are you so lazy, V. ?"

I am sad to see what is happening to you. But just consider... why no one paid attention to you when you were crying? You say that you're not charming, not nice, whatever.... I don't think that's the kind reason, for everyone has their own friends, and there must be someone who really care for them. But if you haven't found one yet, pls have a look back at yourseld and try to answer why? Maybe you're too close, or maybe you are not a good person so that no one cares for you? I am sure that if you lead a good and harmonising life, you are not in this case.

Ok I see that you often help your friends when they are in trouble. But you complain that you also need a help. That's right! But why? why can't you rely on other. And to you what is a real friend? If you just keep everything inside, how can other know. I understand that you need someone who come to you naturally and willing to listen to you, but in every circumstance, pls. dont just sit or cry... We here who dont know who you are but care for you, why dont your fiends?

Hey, remember that you are alive and you are human. Time is precious and dont waste it. And when bad things occurred to you, dont think that you are unlucky and the world turns its back to you. Because there are a lot of people more miserable than you. So you have to face the prolem first, then resolve it. And you will see that life still has wonderful and meaningful things. The problem is that you dont try to make your life better.

That's the problem. You are too nagative person. And noone was born in negativitism. That is... too many things happen to you, and you didn't resolve it, then it soon becomes a chain of continous problem, then you feel bad, you get annoyed, you put yourself in your room or get drunk? Your mind, your brain is fulfill with terrible things, and you hate this world, hate everything, hate every people and believe in no one!

I dont want to criticise you but as long as you think negatively, you cannot get out of this problem. I dont know what was happening to you, but from now on, be POSITIVE, try to do things as good as possible, forget all terrible stories that you are facing with. Later, when you feel better, come back and resolve it.

Ok... you might get angry and annoyed to see my criticism, but just what I think., I just hope to see you better some next days.

---
To your second post: let me read it through first and answer you later.
Được nooneknow sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:14 ngày 22/12/2002

Just an imperfect perfection found out its imperfect point !
If you are not a nerd then stop teaching her about life ..because just a higher level nerd or a harridan can teach another nerd ,if not they will criticise you !
She saw her problem , let her solve her problem herself , we only can support you , try your best and look at the world around you with brighter eyes .Sigh, just another of what book say !!!(but i think that is practical , why don't you have a try ? )
We are friends not fiends !

When they talk about sorrows, being miserable or unlucky, they can not talk about comparison. I believe one can not be any more miserable than the others. A baby lost his candy. A mother said goodbye to her son, who left the world at the age of 14 due to a heart attack. A girl isn't mature enough to deal with an independent life. You might argue that the baby thingy is nothing, in comparison with a loss of a loved son. Yet, you can not feel how the baby felt, can you ? And yes, you are right. The problem is that I don't try to make my life better It's a very very very simple statement, yet it is true.
And no, I'm not angry It's a bit too straightforward, yet, it's true, and I think the truth is, after all, most appreciated. I'm just wondering how your life is. Have you ever confronted with a lie ?

Hey, Veronique. I have experienced some kinds of thoughts like yours several times. Many times I felt deeply depressed even suicidal at time. . So I sympathize with you in subtances
There's no need for me to express my idea. What people say here is enough. And more importantly, you know you problems clearly. May be you have found out what you should do now. You just post your thoughts to attract attention
Anyway, I think you should stay close to your family and friends. They have helped you make you are the person today, right? And be thankful for what you have------>
http://www.ttvnol.com/forum/t_119798
I am myself again, là lá la

Don't know what to say, just to express my admiration for your bravery: to say the truth.
Yet I still wonder why you "don't try to make your life better". Hey, listen to this song of Robbie William:...go easy on my conciense, cause it's not my fault, I know I've been taught to take the blame....Lord I'm doing all I can to be a better man...(Better Man)
Isn't the fight within the hardest of all?