When life rushes me by...

Rolling myself up in the warm blanket. It was raining outside. Cold. Damp. Comfortable. Conducive for a morning of oversleeping. I missed my first lesson.

I am always in a hurry. Hurry to get to classes. Hurry to complete loads of work. Hurry to accomplish goals. To the extent of losing my patience when people around me seem at such a relaxing pace. "When life rushes me by" should be more appropriately termed as when I rush life by. More accurate for me.

There are moments like this. When the blanket of loneliness overwhelms and suffocates me. I know I have chosen to be alone, always. Taking a walk around the hostel. Seeing happy faces of strangers, in group. Herd mentality is how I describe them. I am so used to my own undisturbed independence, to the extreme of flouting all norms and conventions. Live it as I like. Do everything of my own accord. And then I lose my ability of being accomodating to others. People find it hard to understand me. I just laugh over it sometimes, talking between truth and lies, putting up a facade to mask myself.

I have come to discover myself a bit more. I can be steadfast and determined, like iron will. I can suppress my emotions and find ways to motivate myself, towards my goals, what I deem within my reach. But also there is an inherent weakness, I can''t balance my life. As much involved as I am in academic work, I forbid my will to wander into realms of emotions, of softness, of ease. It seems as if there must be stern seriousness. Refound that self-confidence I have lost over the last few years, when I wallowed in self-pity over a "lost world", my frequent term to describe my first love, a lost world in the world of my own.

In moments like this, when I realize I hastily live life to the extent of ignoring others. I know I feel isolation. Sadness. Futile attempt to maintain my insular space. But still, I can''t let go. I have to move on. To achieve what has been my desired goal all along. A moment of inner peace, of reflection to judge myself: I have come this far, I can thus come further down the road, where I belong.

Where there is someone waiting for me, standing, smiling. On a rainy day. On a lonely day. Know me for who I am. Accept me with my idiosyncracies. I am returning.

When life rushes me by.

Or when I rush life by.

T.H
Oct 8th 2003
5 years 1 day since I left home
Further I shall go.

Life is very much like your blanket, girl. Most of the time it is warm enough. Unfortunately, it is never long enough. When you pull one end to cover a part, you expose other parts. Nobody can ever manage to cover everything, as far as i am concerned. Therefore, i consider you as a happy person since you know which part of your body is of more importance and know how to keep it warm.
So why not get the best out of what is in your control and ability. Just leave the rest (those unmanageable "stuffs" ) to chances as they are supposed to be ?

From the very moment we were born, we were dying. So why sweat the small stuff? Learn to accept things for face value and enjoy life. Cherish every moment as though it were your last because this is your last time you will see today.
Paradise #1048
Just could this be paradise
right here where you are?
Nirvana within you
not somewhere afar?
Tho'''' some would decry it
and say it can''''t be
just follow along
if you long to be free.
Your life''''s what you make it -
your choices each day
the thoughts that you harbor
and words that you say
determine the status
of your life today.
So if you want more
than you think you have now
watch closely your mindset
and you''''ll find out how
Just live in the present.
Think only the best
about yourself first
and then all the rest
of your brothers and sisters -
you''''ll find that you''''re blest
and really in paradise.
It''''s all in your mind.
Whatever you look for
is just what you''''ll find
I always see you sitting in front of your computer whenever I pass by the elevator ( I can see you from my block..)..How are you doing now? Sometimes I wanna to visit you but I am afraid that I may disturb youõ?ƯùSõ?ƯYour study is so overloaded.. I do hope that everything is OK for you. And one thing you can be sure is that you are never isolated in this world. There are many friends who love and care abt you but they may not express their feelings.. Whenever you have free time, come to my room. I am always free and you are always welcome..hihi..

SIngapore
12.00h 11/10/2003.
Sỏp 'ặỏằÊc vỏằ Viỏằ?t Nam rỏằ"i 'ó meocon ặĂi..vỏằ nhà rỏằ"i thơ tha hỏằ" 'i chặĂi..Lúc 'ó sỏẵ thỏƠy vui vỏằ lên nhiỏằu ngay..hihi
Được vndnland sửa chữa / chuyển vào 10:58 ngày 11/10/2003