Who can make corrections to my essay? (An EC's member need help!)

I will submit this essay to my english teacher, who can make corrections to it?

Some people believe that university student should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students. Which point of view do you agree with?

In my opinion, students do not need to attend all of their class or subject. In the information age and at the university education, a student should have a most important skill, which is independence study. I think it is the characteristic of the higher education.
With the skill of independence study, students can expand most of their potential ability, improving the skill of independent working that is very essential in the modern life. With the skill of independence working, people can get a job easier and the chance to promote their career as well. Because in the information age, everything especially knowledge will change day by day, so that people should retrain themselves day by day too.
With the features of information technology, people can save their time and cost to get entry to the university, that is to study without attending to the class as well. By this way, they can take any kind of training like distance learning, seminar-online, and part-time learning etc...Many students can get a part-time job without giving their study up. Otherwise, in the information age, students could not only gain their knowledge from their university but also from many other sources such as Internet, TV, and Books etc, it will make what students gain more practical.
With universities, to improve the student?Ts quality they should up to date their training method basically. By using the new training method, the universities can save their cost, managing their student more effectively. Particularly in training Information Technology student, learning online have showed many features better than tra***ional education, testing and marking by using Intranet and Internet showed more available than any before.
The new wave of knowledge-based economy had proved its advantages. To be a part of it, each country must change basically and quickly what they had especially in education. Therefore, the universities should take what method that make student learning more effective instead of forcing them into class like before.




Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:56 ngày 02/06/2003

Câu này về mặt punctuation có vấn đề rồi, thiếu động từ chính . Có lẽ nó nên thế này chứ nhỉ:
With the skill of independence study, studenst can expand most of their potential ability. Improving the skill of independent working is very essential in modern life (ko co the)

ko thể nào là so that được mà chỉ là so thôi. với cả cho because vào nghe cứ kiểu gì ý.

With thường được dùng khi nói về công cụ, Brit nghĩ dùng with ở đây là sai đấy. Với cả they should update chứ làm gì có they should up to date.

Thêm The vào trước internet này, thứ 2 là câu lại thiếu động từ rồi. Learning online have shown many features that is better than .... , cái phần showed more available cũng ko ổn lắm, có lẽ là has proved to be more available thì tốt hơn.

should take the method that... thì tốt hơn là what, brit chưa thấy ai nói what bao giờ cả.
Về mặt câu cú thì Brit ko dám sửa đâu, vì mỗi người viết theo một kiểu, nếu dựa theo ý của bạn thì brit sẽ có cách diễn đạt khác. Cái này được anh Long sửa là nhất , nó sẽ thành 1 bài mới với cách diễn đạt tuyệt vời luôn (nhưng ý thì vẫn giữ nguyên 100%, bao giờ Brit mới viết được như anh Long đây )
Còn về viết thì Brit thấy bạn cũng như bao nhiêu người khác (trong đó có Brit) vẫn chưa nêu ra được cái thesis statement, nó vẫn chưa khái quát được. Theo Brit thì bài này nên viết theo 2 chủ điểm thế này:
-- Giống của bạn: Việc đến trường học là hạn chế cái sức học, sự sáng tạo của sinh viên. Chúng ta đang sống trong thời đại thông tin nên phải làm việc một cách độc lập.
-- Trên thực tế thì lecture ở trường đại học không bao giờ giải quyết được vấn đề gì mà chỉ mang tính suggestion, mà cuộc sống đòi hỏi rất khắt khe, ko đến trường vẫn nghe giảng qua video được.
Đấy là cái outline thầy Nghiêm cho. Bài này brit ko viết, mai post bài của Brit lên mọi người cùng sửa nhé.
As we go on, we remember all the times we had together
As our lives change, come whatever
We will still be FRIENDS FOREVER

I can make corrections to your title (j/k)
Hi Glory,
Bài này mình focus vào structure nhé. Vì grammar, and spelling bé Brit đã analyze rồi.
Trước tiên, nói về thesis statement. Bạn state rất rõ ràng your viewpoint: Students do not need to attend all of their classes. Và cũng đưa ra 3 ý để support: technology, benefits of self-learning, and university education (!?). Nhìn chung phần introduction khá tốt
Trong phần Body, bạn cũng chia ra 3 paragraphs rất rõ ràng, mỗi paragraph support một ý riêng. Good job
Tuy nhiên, câu topic sentences của bạn không được clear lắm.
Example:
With the skill of independence study, students can expand most of their potential ability, improving the skill of independent working that is very essential in the modern life.
Câu topic sentence này trước tiên là a little bit long. (Bạn để ý đên parallel structure nhé: can expand and improve). Nhớ một điều là mỗi câu topic sentence chỉ nên deal với 1 idea thôi. Bạn có thể tách ra thành 2 câu, và viết 2 paragraphs riêng như sau:
1. First, independent study helps students to expand
their potential ability. (support)
2. Second, independent study is essential in modern
life. (support)

With the features of information technology, people can save their time and cost to get entry to the university, that is to study without attending to the class as well
Câu topic sentence này không clear lắm. Theo mình hiểu, ý bạn muốn nói là vầy phải không:
Thanks to technology, students do not need to attend classes regularly. (support)
Câu cuối cùng ý không clear lắm. Có cảm tưởng ý của đoạn 2, và 3 "overlapped".
Tóm lại bạn có thể sửa lại cho rõ ràng hơn. Dùng transitions để nối các đoạn văn với nhau : first, second, third, last....
Khi đọc lại và sửa, put yourself in the position of readers. See if they can understand what you want to convey.
Simplify as much as you can !
Best luck

Some people believe that university student should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students. Which point of view do you agree with?
In my opinion, students do not need to attend all of their class (classes) or subject (subjects). In the information age (Tớ nghĩ là dùng giới từ at với age,cách dùng từ chỗ này nghe ko ổn lắm,nghe giống kiểu dịch từ Việt sang Anh) and at the university education, a student should have a most important skill, which is independence study. I think it is the characteristic of the higher education.
With the skill of independence study, (the) students can expand most of their potential ability,(no comma) improving (improve) the skill of independent working that is very essential in the modern life. With the skill of independence working, people can get a job easier and the chance to promote their career as well. Because (No "because" here) in the information age, everything especially knowledge will change day by day, so that (No "that" here) people should retrain themselves day by day too.
With the features of information technology, people can save their time and cost to get entry ( dùng từ ko ổn chỗ này) to the university, that is to study without attending to the class as well (I can rewrite like this : people can save their time and cost by learning the knowledge online without attending to the class). By this way, they can take any kind of training like distance learning, seminar-online, and part-time learning etc...Many students can get a part-time job without giving their study up(Câu này diễn đạt ko ổn, viết thế này nghe được hơn : Many students can do both of partime working and studying at the same time). Otherwise (wrong transition, should be " Moreover, Furthermore, Besides...etc.. "), in the information age, students could (can) not only gain their knowledge from their university but also from many other sources such as (the) Internet, TV, and Books etc, it will make what (no "what")students gain more practical (pratice).
With universities, to improve the student?Ts quality they should up to date their training method basically. By using the new training method, the universities can save their cost, (no comma, should be "and") managing (manage) their student more effectively. Particularly in training Information Technology student, learning online have (has) showed many features (that is) better than tra***ional education, testing and marking by using (the) Intranet and (the) Internet showed more available than any before.
The new wave of knowledge-based economy (economy ???, đi u mean technology ?)had proved its advantages. To be a part of it (of what ???), each country must change basically and quickly what they had especially in education. Therefore, the universities should take what (the) method that make student learning more effective instead of forcing them into class like before.

Tạm sửa thế này,chắc còn nhiều lỗi.
In my opinion, students do not need to attend all of their classes or subjects. At the information age and university education, a student should have a most important skill, which is independence study. I think it is the characteristic of higher education.
With the skill of independence study, the students can expand most of their potential ability as well as improve the skill of independent working, which is very essential in the modern life. With the skill of independent working, people can get a job easier, and the chance to promote their career is higher as well. At the information age, everything changes day by day, thus people should retrain themselves day by day too.
With the features of information technology, people can save their time and cost by learning the knowledge online without attending to the class. By this way, they can take any kind of training, such as distance learning, seminar online, and part-time learning, etc ..Also, many students can do both of part-time working and studying at the same time. Moreover at the information age, the students can not only gain their knowledge from the class but also from many other sources , such as the Internet, T.V , and books. It will make the students get more practice.
In order to improve the education quality, the universities should upgrade their training method. By using the new training method, they can save the cost and manage their student more effectively. Particularly in teaching I.T, learning online has indicated many features that is better than tra***ional education. Testing and grading online are more available than before.
The new wave of getting new knowledge based on technology has proved its advantages,so every country should change basically and quiclky their tra***ional education.Therefore, the universities should apply the new technology in order to make the students learn more effectively instead of requiring them to attend the class like before.

Chú ý: trong ngoặc là phần gốc tui bỏ đi nhé
In my opinion, students do not need to attend all of their classes (or subject). In the information age, (and at the) at university level (education), the most important skill is (a student should have a most important skill, which is independence) the ability to study independently. (I think it) That is the characteristic of (the) higher education.
By studying independently, (With the skill of independence study), students can (expand) improve their abilities (most of their potential ability, improving) and enhance the skill of independent working that is very essential in the modern life. With the skill of (independence) independent working, people can get (a) jobs (easier) more easily, as well as obtain more promotion chances in their career (the chance to promote their career as well). Because in the information age, everything, especially knowledge, (will) may change day by day, (so that) people should retrain themselves day by day too.
Thanks to the advances of Information Technology, (With the features of information technology) time and cost for university education could be saved (people can save their time and cost to get entry to the university), (that is to study) as it has been made possible to study without attending (to the) classes (as well). (By this way, they can take any kind of training like distance learning, seminar-online, and part-time learning etc) Distant learning and training, online seminars, etc have now been made available. Many students can (get) do (a) part-time or full-time jobs without giving (their study) up studying. (Otherwise) Besides, in the information age, students could (not only) gain their knowledge not only from their university but also from many other sources such as Internet, TV television, and Books etc, which (it will) makes what students gain more practical.
(With) For universities, to improve (the) students?T study quality, they should think of applying (up to date) modern teaching and training methods (basically). By so doing (using the new training method, the) universities can save (their) cost, (managing) while still being able to monitor their students (more) effectively. Particularly (in training) for Information Technology students, online learning (have) has (showed) shown many (features better) advantages over (than) tra***ional education, testing and marking via (by using) the Intranet and the Internet (showed) are getting more (available) popular than ever (any) before.
The new wave of knowledge-based economy (had) has proved its advantages. To be (a) part of it, each country must change basically and quickly what it (they had) has, especially those in education. Therefore, (the) universities should (take) choose whatever method that (make student learning more effective) helps students study more effectively instead of forcing them into class as (like) before.
Được phnam_mot sửa chữa / chuyển vào 00:29 ngày 02/06/2003

hihi bây giờ mọi người sửa essay cho em nhé!
Topic: Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion?
Forty million tons of garbage are thrown out each day, over two hundred species disappear from the face of the earth each year, millions of African are struggling to live with contaminated water. Those statistics may not be totally accurate, but just enough to show us that the Earth is being seriously damaged by human activities.
The appearance of the human race on Earth has brought about radical changes to the Environment. We all know that our planet now actually experiences a rise in the temperature so-called the Greenhouse effect. This happens due to man's agricultural and industrial practice, along with the use of nuclear energy. Indeed a warmer Earth may lead to changes in rainfall patterns, a rise in sea level and a wide range of impacts on plants, wildlife and even us - human. And nature, in response, will bring more disasters to the world. According to researchers, natural phenomena such as earthquake, volcano, storm and flood are prevailing more and more regularly.
Also, the air and land are heavily contaminated by emissions and dirt from factories and automobiles. Large portion of exhausts from engines in modern cities are polluting our breathing air then ever, resulting in series of incurable diseases. Meanwhile, fossil fuel burned by industrial factories poses acid rain that kills trees and arable land. Huge areas of forest are being cleaned to produce wood or to make way for big buildings. And in some ways, the over-use of land has led to the formation of desserts.
Environmental degradation is not anyone's own problem. This is the world problem. We, human, have inherited the Earth, but it doesn't mean we can do whatever we like with it. Please cure the Earth, cure the Environment. Otherwise, we would never see our beautiful Earth again.
(297 words)
Hết rồi, các anh chị check cho brit với nhé. Thanx!
As we go on, we remember all the times we had together
As our lives change, come whatever
We will still be FRIENDS FOREVER

Hi bé
Nhìn chung bé viết bài này chuẩn lắm rồi. Chả trách là mod của EC
Có một vài điểm nhỏ:
thêm and vào để nối các clauses với nhau. (see above)
Bé coi lại topic sentence của đoạn 2. Có một vài ý trong đoạn không support topic sentence này.

Glory should pay more attention to the style of an essay. MÌnh thấy bạn mới chỉ nêu opinion thui còn phần construction thì hơi lộn xộn. Như thế thì lose at least là 4/10 points. Bạn có thể đọc quyển " academic writing" by Alice Oshima để tham khảo

Trích từ bài của britneybritney:
hihi bây giờ mọi người sửa essay cho em nhé!
Topic: Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion?
Forty million tons of garbage are thrown out each day, over two hundred species disappear from the surface of the earth each year, millions of African are struggling to live with contaminated water. Those statistics may not be totally accurate, but just enough to show us that the Earth is being seriously damaged by human activities.
The appearance of the human race on Earth has brought about radical changes to the Environment. We all know that our planet now actually experiences a rise in (bỏ the) temperature: the so-called (bỏ the) Greenhouse effect. This happens due to man's agricultural and industrial practice, along with the use of nuclear energy (chỗ này ko ổn, bởi ko phải practice nào cũng gây hại môi trường, hay nuclear energy lại được coi là sạch). Indeed a warmer Earth may lead to changes in rainfall patterns, a rise in sea level and a wide range of impacts on plants, wildlife and even us - human. And nature, in response, will bring more disasters to the world. According to researchers, natural phenomena such as earthquakes, volcanoes, storms and floods are (prevailing - > từ này ko trúng) coming more and more regularly.
Also, the air and land are heavily contaminated by emissions and dirt from factories and automobiles. A large portion of exhausts from engines in modern cities (are) is polluting our (bỏ breathing) air (then) more seriously than ever before, resulting in series of incurable diseases. Meanwhile, fossil fuel burned by industrial factories poses acid rain that kills trees and arable land. Huge areas of forest are being (cleaned) cut down to produce wood or to make way for big buildings. And in some ways, the (over-use) over-exploitation of land has led to the formation of (desserts) deserts.
Environmental (degradation) deterioration is not (anyone's own problem) the problem of any single person, but (This is the world) a global problem. We, human, have inherited the Earth, but it doesn't mean we can do whatever we like with it. Please cure the Earth, cure the Environment. Otherwise, we would never see our beautiful Earth again.
Tham khảo nhé !!![/size=3][/size=4]
Được phnam_mot sửa chữa / chuyển vào 00:43 ngày 03/06/2003
Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:04 ngày 03/06/2003

Everything is ok. However, you still have a minor mistake in this sentence.
Those statistics may not be totally accurate, but it is just enough to show us that the Earth is being seriously damaged by human activities.
HOI
Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 17:15 ngày 20/12/2003