Who can make corrections to my essay? (An EC's member need help!)

Posted by @abara
Please correct my essay.I make an assurance that I will vote for anyone who has useful comments.Thanks in advance.
At age of 15,I had an achivement:I passed the entrance examination of Special High School of Hanoi Natural University.To encourage me my parents awarded me a computer connecting the Internet.Since the Internet has become more than just a luxury,it has become a vital part of my life.

Initially,I only access the Internet to get information and problems about mathematics especially the problems of mathematical olympiads of countries.Afterwards,I discovered the huge source of information on the Internet.I have joined many forums to discuss about all aspects of life.Thanks to the Internet I become more well-informed,knowning and cognizant of many things(parallell structure?).New information,knowledge and skills get from the Internet help me to adapt to fast-changing world as well as pique my interest in innovation
Not only does the Internet fascinate me but also it greatly influence on my career decision.My curiousness and ambition is not satisfied.Someday,I want to be a boss who can design,control and run such ledendary network.To realize this,I set my own future goal of being a professional programmer.At university,I want to study about information technology,after that I want to abtain a master''''s degree and then to work in a IT related industry such as:communications and networking.When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I plan to launch a company of my own....
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

Lỗi trước hết của bạn là lỗi về typing. Sau mỗi dấu câu bạn phải cách ra. Nếu viết dính vào là bị trừ điểm đấy.
Thứ 2, mình có thể nói 99% bạn nghĩ bằng tiếng Việt rồi dịch ra tiếng Anh. Chính vì thế nên nhiều chỗ Brit đọc mà ko hiểu gì hết. Tất nhiên là làm thế khó nhưng nhiều rồi sẽ quen, nếu muốn học giỏi tiếng Anh tốt hơn hết là tư duy bằng tiếng Anh. (Brit đã được dậy như thế và đã áp dụng như thế, chỉ tội kết quả chưa được như mong muốn hehe)

- Bỏ chữ problems đi, vì như thế người ta hiểu rằng bạn lên mạng để chuốc lấy rắc rối về môn toán học mất. Nói chung cái câu 1 nghe làm sao ấy. Để tí nữa mình viết lại theo cách khác nhá.
- a huge source, not THE.
- joined --> joined in
- discuss sth only, leave out about.
- knowing --> knowledgeable.
- get chia sai động từ rồi, chuyển thành got hoặc theo Brit thì tốt nhất là bỏ nó đi, nghe sẽ tốt hơn.
- Mình ko hiểu từ pique của bạn ở đây dùng với nghĩa gì, từ này có nghĩa là xúc phạm, giận hờn mà nhỉ???
~~~> Initially, I used the Internet just to access the information on Mathematics, especially that on Olympiads. Afterwards, I have discovered a huge source of information and joined in many forums to discuss many aspects of life. Thanks to the Internet, I have become more well-informed, knowledgable and congnizant of many things. New information, knowledge and skills from the Internet have helped me adapt effectively to the fast changing world as well as satisfied my interest in innovation.

- Câu đầu tiên sai ngữ pháp mất rồi. Chuyển thành Not only
does the Internet fascinate me... but it also...
- is --> are
- realize là lỗi dùng từ, realize có nghĩa là nhận ra cơ mà, chỗ này có lẽ ý bạn là to achieve?
-study sth, not study about.
- chữ ledendary không có trong từ điển.
Đoạn 3 này lủng củng quá, các ý chưa được liên kết với nhau, chính xác hơn là bạn chưa support được cái topic sentence. Hãy xem lại nhé, bạn nói Internet đã có ảnh hưởng lớn đến quyết định của bạn nhưng bạn chưa hề nói nó ảnh hưởng NHƯ THẾ NÀO, mà chỉ nói dự định tương lai của bạn thôi. Ngay cả cách diễn đạt cái ý định đấy cũng chưa tốt lắm (do bạn đang nghĩ = tiếng Việt rồi dịch ra) Brit rất tiếc là ko giúp bạn sửa về cách diễn đạt được, vì cái mạch nghĩ ko giống nhau nên chịu, cái này phải nhờ các cao thủ còn Brit chỉ giúp được phần ngữ pháp thôi.
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

quên mất là bài này thiếu kết luận + cần phải có đề bài mới biết cách sửa chính xác hơn được do mỗi kiểu bài có 1 cách viết khác nhau.
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

Hic, May I ask a question ?
How can you ,in 30 mins, read the Q, do brain storm, make the out line and finally write down (including correction & erasement) ?

Britney,
I apologize for not reply you soon.To be honest,it is difficult for my to get access this board as well as the site ttvnonline on recent days.
Now ,I want to thank you for yours useful advice.
My ability is now rather bad,to improve it I will practice more and more and I hope to receive wonderful comments again.To fulfill my duty,I have voted you with 5 star
Have a good night and see you again,

Here is my essay for Toefl. Pls comment and correct my mistake. Thanks a lot.
Topic 160: The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.
The twentieth century witnessed great changes in almost all fields, including numerous technological breakthroughs. One of the worth-remembered inventions is the Internet, whose advent has considerably affected both humanõ?Ts working life and private one.
To begin with, the Internet has so dramatically changed the way people work that it is considered a revolution. Today, emails are worldwide used and become an essential means of exchanging information due to their rapidness and convenience. In ad***ion, many a companies effectively makes use of the popularity of the Internet to advertise and sell their products and services. And it also saves cost and time for traveling by enabling tele-working, e.g., teleconferences attended by people from several countries. Apart from that, it is easier than ever to search and access needed information through a lot of continuously-updated databases available on the World Wide Web. All in all, the Internet-resulted benefits to human being are almost uncountable.
Meanwhile, the Internet has gradually penetrated humanõ?Ts private life as a means of entertaining. At present, it is common for the youth to participate in forums, chat roomsõ?Ư to meet and talk with friends, to express their ideas on some hot issue, to share their problems etc. The Internet may make people more sociable by helping them have more friends, who can be at the other end of the world. Also, people can relax in an armchair and play games through it at any time they want. All above activities are really a good way of releasing stress and pressure after work.
For all those reasons, I would like to express my sincere thank to The U.S. Defense Department for their great initiative from which the Internet origins. However, like everything it has two sides, thus, should be carefully used.
(292 words)

Chào bạn, Brit thấy bài của bạn viết vậy là được rồi, nếu trong 30 phút mà viết được như vậy thì phục quá, Brit viết luận ít nhất là 45 phút. Tuy nhiên nó còn một số lỗi sai nhỏ về chia động từ hoặc gì đó, Brit chép lại thành bài luôn nhé. Với cả phần kết luận nghe chưa được ổn lắm bạn ạ, có lẽ cần e*** một chút.
The twentieth century witnessed great changes in almost every field including numerous technological breakthroughs. One of the most worth-remembered inventions is the Internet, which has considerably affected both human?Ts working and private life. (đừng dung whose gì ở đây, nghe lằng nhằng)
To begin with, the Internet has so dramatically changed the way people work that it is considered a revolution (Bạn dùng cấu trúc so... that ở đây là sai rồi. So chỉ đứng trước tính từ trong cấu trúc này thôi) Today, email is (khi nói chung thì ko được để số nhiều) worldwide used and become an essential means of exchanging information due to --> thanks to (due to là negative) their rapidness and convenience. In ad***ion, many a companies have effectively mades full use of the popularity of the Internet to advertise and sell their products as well as (đừng dùng end nhiều quá) services. And Chuyển thành What is more đi, it also saves cost and time for traveling by enabling tele-working, e.g., trong essay ko được viết tắt (informal) chuyển thành for instance, hay take... as an example teleconferences attended by people from several countries. Apart from that, Hic cái này để dùng phủ định, tức là ý của bạn ở phần trước là tiêu cực, bạn nên chuyển thành Morever hay gì đó tương tự it is easier than ever to search and access needed information through a lot of (nghe ko thuận tai lắm, nhưng ko sai) continuously-updated database --> chuyển thành archives đi! available on the World Wide Web. All in all, the Internet-resulted benefits to human being are almost (cho từ này vào làm giảm ý nghĩa của câu) uncountable.
Meanwhile (Brit ko chắc từ này ở đây là đúng, cũng tương tự như apart from, hình như nó dùng để lật lại ý trước), the Internet has gradually penetrated human?Ts private life as a means of entertaining Entertainment chứ, entertaining là tính từ. At present, it is common for the youth to participate in forums, chat rooms? to meet and talk with TO friends, to express their ideas on some hot issueS, to share their problems etc. Câu này tớ thấy dùng cấu trúc it''''s .. to nghe gượng gạo sao ấy, hay chuyển thành "A great number of youngster has joined in forums and.... to... for the time being" đi. The Internet may bỏ may đi, giảm nghĩa của câu make people more sociable by helping them have more friends, who can (chỗ này dùng may này) be at the other end of the world. Also, people can relax in an armchair and play games through it at any time they want. All above activities are really a good way of releasing stress and pressure after work.
For all those reasons, I would like to express my sincere thank to The U.S. Defense Department for their great initiative from which the Internet origins. However, like everything it has two sides, thus, should be carefully used.
Hic cái bản đẹp đẽ tớ type lại biến mất rồi, mai post lại vậy!
Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:28 ngày 06/02/2004

Thanks Britney for your comments of which some I agree some not:
1. In academic writing, absolute meanings words such as every, always, never, etc., should be avoided when an opinion is given; therefore almost, maybe, perhaps, etc., are added to leave a room for possiblity. It is reasonable because in reality, "never say never".
2. etc., e.g., i.e., are all formal and often used in academic writing. Why do you think all abbreviated words rea informal?.
3. For instance + clause not +n/n phrase." Take .... for example" is sometimes lengthy and not suitable for this particular sentence. (''rry I don''t know how to quote the sentence).
4. so+ adv+ that absolutely Okei. if "so" is omitted, the meaning targered will be changed.
5. Many+ a+ singular N = a lot of , used to emphesize sth.
6. Meanwhile= at the same time; apart form that= besides. Of these words neither are used to intronduce an opposite idea, just a further argument.
7. a means of doing sth: entertaining here is an V-ing not an adj.
8. For the time being=temporarily not =at present. Maybe "it'' is... that" is somewhat hic hic ; however I want to stress the popularity of joining forums... among the young (I wonder if youngster is a formal word).
9. About the conclusion, have you got any idea. I myself find it pretty chuối.
May be there should be a topic : Academic writing- who r u?

When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success
Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above?
Work in July 28, 2004 (45mins)
I absolutely agree with the statement :? When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success?. There are 2 reason : Luck is not a thing manageable, hard work always bring succeed back to you in a long term.
When people concentrate to their work, they don?Tt have time to think about whether they have the luck or not. They just try their best. Fairly, God could see their effort and give the luck to make their work complete with success.. For instance, you?Tve just seen the 6th victory of Lens Amstrong in the ?oTour de Francê?. Did the God just bring luck for only him. No its not true if you know that he have *****ffer a cancer disease, one of the hardest diseases in the world to day. This victory prove that people could use their mental fitness beat over their unluckyly physical fitness. Many disabilities people, of course they have not luck, but finally they could smile widely after the win on the Seagames. I can show you many others exemples of poeole who have no luck but still reach the succeed.
As an English proverb goes :?Genius is only a great patient?. Hard working do not mean you will have your success return imediately, may be you will find many difficult obstacles in your life that you couldn?Tt reach it in a short term. But you try your best and your target would be aproached and one day in your life time you will get it. You could see the effort of Greece in the recent Euro 2004. They don?Tt have any star, they have only a good coach who brings the team the solidarity ,discipline and hard work attitude. After all, they are the new champion of Europe. The logic reason is that they have a work hard team, different with others team just have the stars but don?Tt practice much.
Edison, one of the greatest inventor in our hystory had said:?Genius is 1% from talent and 99% is from hard work?. Im deeply believe in my hard work will bring back my success, rather than just waitting for luck one day fall into my life.