Who can make corrections to my essay? (An EC's member need help!)

Dear Sumurai,
I am not quite sure what U want to be checked, then I just check some obvious errors... I mostly do not change your sentence structure or the way you express your ideas... I want it so much but I dont have enough time...so sorry...
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I absolutely agree with the statement :? When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success?. There are 2 reasons : Luck is not a manageable thing, hard work always brings the success back to you in a long term.
When people concentrate to their work, they don?Tt have time to think about whether they have the luck or not. They just try their best. Fairly, God could see their effort and give them luck to make their work successfully completed.. For instance, you?Tve just seen the 6th victory of Lens Amstrong in the ?oTour de Francê?. Is it jsust because of God brings luck to him?. No its not true if you know that he has *****ffer a cancer disease, one of the hardest diseases in the world today. This victory proves that people could use their mental fitness beat over their unluckily physical fitness. Many disabable people, of course, they are unlucky, but finally they could smile widely after winning prizes in the Seagames. There are also many other available examples of how unlucky people reach the success.
As an English proverb goes :?Genius is only a great patient?. Hard working does not mean you will have your success return immediately, may be you will find many difficult obstacles throughout your life that you couldn?Tt see (I guess) them in a short term. But if you try your best, your target would be approached and one day you will get it. You could see the efforts of Greece in the recent Euro 2004. They don?Tt have any star butonly a good coach who brings the team the solidarity, discipline and hard work attitude. After all, they are the new champion of Europe. The logic reason is that they have a work hard team which is different from other teams which just have the stars but don?Tt practice much.
Edison, one of the greatest inventors in our history had said:?Genius is 1% from talent and 99% is from hard work?. Im deeply believe in my hard work will bring back my success, rather than just waiting for luck one day fall into my life.
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I want to make changes in red... but as I corrected this essay in WORD, I pasted it here... then, couldnt make correction in red... Hope it help
thuymp
Được thuymp sửa chữa / chuyển vào 13:54 ngày 29/07/2004

Hi Samurai and Thuymp,
I have modified Thuymp''s version to make the essay a little more flowing.
I absolutely agree with the statement :â? When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with successâ?.
As we know, luck is not something we can control while hard work in long term usually brings us success. When people concentrate to their work, they donâ?Tt have time to think about whether Lady luck will smile on them. They just try their best. By doing that, chances are luck will find its way to them making their work a success. For instance, we have just seen the 6th victory of Lance Amstrong in the Tour de France. Was it just because luck was brought to him from God ? No, It''s not. If you know he had suffered testicular cancer, one of the most serious diseases in the world today, you will find his victory proves that people could use their mental strength to overcome their physical disadvantage. Many disabled people despite their bodily incapacity, finally could smile widely after winning prizes in the recent Seagames. There are also many other available examples of how people could reach their successes against all odds.
As an English proverb goes â?Genius is only a great patientâ?, hard working does not always mean you will gain success immediately. You may still find many difficult obstacles throughout your life that cannot be anticipated. But if you try your best, your goal would become more attainable and one day it is yours. For another example, you could see the efforts of Greece''s soccer team in the recent Euro 2004. They donâ?Tt have any star player, only a good coach who could bring the team''s unity, discipline and hard work ethic. That was enough for them to become the new champion of European league. The logic reason is that they are a hard working team, which is different from others who were loaded with stars but didn''t practice as much.
Edison, one of the greatest inventors in our history, had said:â?Genius is 1% from talent and 99% is from hard workâ?. I deeply believe that I will find success by working hard, not by waiting for luck one day stumbling into my life.
Hope this helps.
Hbae787

Thank you very much for spending time correcting my essay. I will reread your post carefully.
But could you please evaluate(Give it a note) my first post?
This is the subject of Mr Nghiem class for Toefl preparation...
Today i ve just finished one more and highly appriciate if you could give me some time to correct and evaluate it:
If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.
Work in July 29, 2004 ( 40 mins)
If I have a opportunity to start my study at the beginning, I would choose learning to become a pilot. This is one of my greatest dream when I was a little boy. I love to travel around I love the sense of flying. I want to offer my service for people whose job need to travel a lot, and I want to communicate with many people in different culture. The last reason is working as a pilot is one of the proudest job in my country and it could bring back to me much of money.
As an Vietnamese proverb goes :â?Each day of travel is a great lessonâ?, my greatest hobby is to discover especially in culture. In most of my leisure time, I travel around to learn to see and to meet people in different culture. I really enjoy working as an pilot could give me many chance to go abroad and in the place very far from my home.
I love to fly. When I was in the airplain and look around through the window, I have a sense of posseding all the sky all the mountain and the ocean. I feel that Im free and there is nothing can be an obstacle with me. And I imagine if I could drive this plaine my feeling would be stronger much more.
I love to learn from the experience of many interesting people.I love communicate and love the feelling when I discover a newly thing from a new men. There are many way to learn but what I love most is communicating directly with experienced people. Once again, my dreamy job give me a chance to meet many types of people from different part of the world
Finally , become a pilot is a popular dream of many boy in my country, this is because of the difficulty of this job, the legend of the hero pilots during the war, and the salary people pay for pilot. This job is in the list of the best salary jobs in Vietnam.
Although I had not a chance to learn to become a pilot, i always dream of one day i could become a pilot serve to my national flying service Vietnam airlines.

Hey bro,
I saw some grammar mistakes in your essay, so I decided to help you out little bit. Hope you dun mind .....
Work in July 29, 2004 ( 40 mins)
If I have an opportunity to start my study at the beginning, I would choose learning to become a pilot. This is one of my greatest dream when I was a little boy. I love to travel around, and I love the sense of flying. I want to offer my service for people whose job need to travel a lot. Beside that, I want to communicate with many people in different culture. The last reason is working as a pilot is one of the proudest job in my country. It could bring back to me much of money.
As an Vietnamese proverb goes :?Each day of travel is a great lesson?, my greatest hobby is to discover ,especially in culture. In most of my leisure time, I travel around to see and meet people in different culture. I really enjoy being an pilot could give me many chances to places very far from my home.
I love to fly. When I was in the airplane and look around through the window; I have a sense of posseding all the sky all the mountain and the ocean. I feel that I am free ,and there is nothing can be an obstacle with me. I imagine if I could drive this plane ,my feeling would be stronger much more.
I love to learn from the experience of many people.I love to communicate and love the feelling when I discover a new thing from a new men. There are many ways to learn but what I love the most is communicating directly with experienced people. Once again, my dream job gives me a chance to meet different people from different part of the world
Finally , become a pilot is a popular dream of many boy in my country. This is because of the difficulty of this job, the legend of the hero pilots during the war, and the salary people pay for pilot. This job is in the list of the best salary jobs in Vietnam.
Although I had not had a chance to learn to become a pilot; I always dream of one day i could become a pilot serve to my national flying service Vietnam airlines.
To bạn : đây là những errors của bạn nè : running on sentences, capital letters, plural or single và một số errors nữa. Tớ nhìn thấy nhưng không biết sửa thế nào . Bạn nên đọc kĩ lại là sẽ tìm được . Cả 2 essays của bạn , opening và closing chưa được hay cho lắm. Bạn nên check lại nghen.
Good luck with ur Toefl test.

Thank you for your kindness, Im sure your comment and could help me much, I wish I could have the ability in writing like youõ?Ư, I will try my best to avoid the weak point you have shown me... Thanks
This is my new essay from dethi.com 10/98
Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these 2 different ways of learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific exemples *****pport your preference.
Work in July 30, 2004 ( 45mins)
There are 2 ways of learning about life, people could choose between learning by listening to the advice of others or through other personal experience.
Undoubtedly people could gain many valuable experience through their friend or their family. Your life is not long enough to learn everything by yourserf so its better if you could learn through other experience. Its not efficiency way to pay your time your money even your blood to learn a lesson that other people could tell you to avoid. If you lost your life you cant have chance to correct your fault anymore and its your last lesson in life. There are many thing in life have no undo option. For exemple, if noone warn you about the dangerous of traffic accident, you keep your careless then one day you could pay your blood may be your life to learn a simple lesson õ?Respect the traffic rule when you driveõ?. My parents teach me by bringing me to the hospital to see the terrific sence of the victims from accident. Im so scared and telling myself : õ?oBe slower when you drive a motorbike.
However, experience of other people is not strong enough and people must learn their lesson themselves. Maybe you donõ?Tt realize the important of a lesson from others experience until you must pay for this lesson. I have paied my blood to learn myself the lesson of driving carefully on the road. Furthermore, in our modern world to day, there are always many change many new chanllenge and risk that people of privious generation donõ?Tt have any experience. So, they cant teach you anymore and you must face the difficulty and overcome it by create your own method basing on your lessons, experiences you have learned.
In my case, if I have a chance I prefer learning from other experience before learning lesson myself. Each will have the advantage and disadvantage and you should choose your type of learning in a specific situation.

Samurai, I told you about your errors, but it seems like you didn''''t get it. I suggest you to find some books and read about your errors. You know people are pretty nice to help you out. The problem is you don''''t read over your essay after you write it ( I guess ) . You expect people to fix your errors. It is impossible, because people just get tired of that. Please read over your essay, then ask for help. Is that cool ? ( I hope you dun get mad at me for telling you this. )

Được tranganh16 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 14:50 ngày 01/08/2004

I suggest you to find some books and read about your errors.

Thanks tranganh...
I know i have very poor expression in writting introduction. But sadly, i cant imagine more in such a short period. Toefl is a timing test and you are allowed 30'' in writting section. I always spend up to 45'' to write. Its bad. Sure that i can improve it if spend more time but its not like the actual test...
However i still have many work to do and will buy a book as your suggest. Which one u think best suit for me?
My essay today maybe worse than the earlier. Hope u dont feel bored with my repeated error... I have time and i will try my best...
Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. Which opinion do you agree with?
Work in August 1,2004 (45mins)
In our modern world today, Information technology plays the key role in strategy of economic development. Vietnamese government has already realized this fact and has spent much of money to develop IT . However, there are many people live in low con***ion they are lack of basic needs like food, clothes, education... I think we must solve the problem of basic needs before spending money for computer technology.
Our country have 80% population work in agriculture field. This work cant give them enough money for their basic needs. They may not die in famine anymore but they are still faim especially in the remote area. I have seen many people in the northwest still faim when the harvest is over. Surely that when they donõ?Tt have enough food they cant think anymore about clothes, educationõ?ƯIn the nearer area people may have food and clothes but the poverty donõ?Tt give them any chance to reach education. The people have no work skill in other field, no money, move to the city can cause many social problem. With these people, Computer technology has nothing to do while basic education is lack.
We cant think about the advance problem while our basic problem have not solved.
Furthermore, when we spend money to buy computer and other modern product, people can use it in wrong purpose. There are many people use computer just for playing game, use internet just for chatting, use mobile phone just for showing their welth. Once more, lack of educated knowledge is the cause. Therefore, spending money on this aspect may gain no benefit, even cause some harmful consequences.
In conclusion, we should spend money in the basic needs to improve the living con***ion of poorer before buying computer technology.

Thankiu vinamiu .
To Samurai : Xin lỗi bạn vì mình hơi quá lời nhưng cũng chỉ hi vọng bạn làm bài tốt thôi mà. Thế này nhé, thời gian viết essay là 30 phút. 5 phút đầu bạn viết outline, 20 phút sau viết bài, và 5 phút cuối cùng để soát bài . Mình đã thi rồi nên mình cũng hiểu là rất khó nhưng nếu bạn có thế làm đúng theo bảng thời gian này, mình chắc chắn với bạn là bạn sẽ đạt được điểm cao à. Bây giờ, bạn cứ go over minutes , nó sẽ thành thói quen và rất khó sửa . Bạn phải cố gắng sửa ngay đi . Trong TOEFL họ ko cho bạn 15 minutes extra đâu . Vậy nhé. À, còn về books thì mình chẳng thể recommend được vì ở VN , books khác bên này lắm. Nhiều quyển lại không có nữa nên cũng khó tìm à . Bạn cứ lên google rồi type run-on sentences là được . ( ví dụ )