Who can make corrections to my essay? (An EC's member need help!)

Brit,
This essay is already a good TOEFL writing. It should get a 7.5 to 8 points. I am just modifying it somewhat to make it more attractive; just like putting a little make-up on a pretty girl to make her even prettier... Here you go.
In order *****cceed in this intensively competitive world, it is undeniable that we should prepare for ourselves a wide range of knowledge. Yet, there remains a question which is still being debated whether the best education can be offered by school or it will come naturally from real life experience. Personally, I am whole-heartedly in favor of the idea that experience is the best teacher.
No one can deny that school plays a critical role in every society. It is from school that we can learn the information needed to function in our society and get fundamental knowledge for our future career. What is more, education offered by school is well guided and systematically arranged to fit the physio-psychology of different age groups.
However, I strongly believe the best lessons in life cannot be taught from the podium but comes from real life experience outside of school. Firstly, what we can deduce from our own experience is often much more practical than what we are instructed, which are often merely theoretical or even outdated. It is not difficult to see the major reason why an increasing number of high GPA graduates cannot find any job after graduation. Most find themselves in a bind when facing a potential employer testing them with complicated situations, while a graduate with real life knowledge can be more acute and can handle the situation more easily.
Secondly, hands-on experience is always specific to each individual. It enables us to be mindful of our personal strengths and shortcomings so we can focus on improving our potentials, whereas knowledge provided at school is too general and could turn out to be ineffective once applied to practical cases. Also, only from our own experience, we are able to extract various essential lessons, identify the positive and negative consequences from those experiences. It is these outcomes that will critically affect our future since they tend to dwell longer in our memory (or deeper in our conciousness).
In a nutshell, however significant formal education is, the best way to learn in preparing ourselves for the world is just to step into life and deal with it. Real life experience, indisputably, is the key *****ccess since it helps you to become more self-confident and to work more productively. Without experience, you can never put the knowledge you have acquired from school into practice.

Đây là 1 trong may cái đệ viết ,,, chắc là sai te tua...
Các bác sửa giúp đệ với
1.Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults while other people think that friends are the most important. Which view do you agree with?
Although people always feel hard to decide which is the most important infuence on young adults between family and friends, but in my opinion, nothing is as important to me as my family. In some below ways may help you determine more clearly what I?Tve said.
Firstly, when a child were born, he grew up in the ?ofirst school-home? in his life with parents and relatives, not with friends. From this school of his life, he is taught about manythings around him, that makes him more mature and his characters is determined in the whole of his childhood.
Secondly, lucky for someone who had a good education family, because he can be affored good knowledge. And as we?Tve known, knowledge is the best havings for oneself in his future.
Thirdly, family is with you forever, they love you for everything you are. They encourage you to push yourself, improve yourself and try all your best, they let you decide which is the best way for you. Friends won?Tt, they have just liked you to be the same with them.
But, I don?Tt deny the role of friends in the young adults. With friends, young adults sometimes can share everything in their generation, about the joys and hobbies? which family can not share with.
In brief, I think family plays more important roles influencing young adults than friends.
Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:41 ngày 29/08/2004

bác viết mấy cái này câu cú không có liên kết gì với nhau cả, đọc cảm thấy nó nhàm chán vì không có sự liền mạch, đoạn văn không có mạch flow. Nói bác đừng giận chứ, cứ như kiểu đặt từng câu một rồi ghép lại vậy thôi. hơn nữa, góp ý nhỏ chút, nếu dùng firstly, rồi secondly, thì ko nên xài thirdly nữa mà táng finally.
anyway, dun worry dawg, keep doin ya thang, it still works thou.

lucky for someone who had a good education family, because he can be affored good knowledge---> đây là câu ko hoàn chỉnh vì mệnh đề thứ nhất ko hoàn chỉnh. Bạn nên sửa là it is lucky for someone..... Nếu bạn muốn giữ nguyên thi bỏ because.
they have just liked you to be the same with them--> ko cần thiết phải dùng thì này, dùng hiện tai đơn thì liền mạch hơn.
in the young adults--> dùng among
But, I don?Tt deny ---> dùng however thay cho but
about the joys and hobbies---> such as joys, hobbies
share with--> share with them
more important roles influencing---> in influencing
the role of friends --> the influence of friends on the young adults

And as we?Tve known---> dùng moreover thay cho and vì and thường chỉ liên kết 2 mênh đề
Bạn cũng nên chú ý những lỗi nhỏ về thì( a child were born) hay những lỗi về chấm phẩy( ko có dấu phẩy trướcbecause ở giữa 2 mênh đê)
Mình góp ý như thế được ko bạn.

Hi all,
Help me, correct this essay for me, pls!
It''s quite a long time that I haven''t write an academic essay like this and I''m sure there''re alot of mistake I may have.
Thank u so much!
Here it is:
"The economic benefits of nuclear power outweight the potential dangers." Discuss this statement.
In some countries in the world, it?Ts the very fact that nuclear power is a significiant source of energy. The governments may not pay much attention to the potential dangers that nuclear power might bring about because therê?Tre so many economic benefits of this type of energy. But let?Ts have a look at the Tresnoburne case (I don?Tt learn the exact name)and we can not affirm that economic benefits of nuclear power outweight the potential dangers any more.
When fossil fuels like coal, oil, gas, etc. are running out, man succeeded in finding other kinds of energy such as wind power, solar power, etc. However, it?Ts still very expensive to develop these ways of getting energy, resulting in the modest portion of these types in total. Man continued trying hard to find an enormous source of energy with reasonable cost of production. And they were successful in nuclear power. Of course, as other kinds of energy, nuclear power has its own disadvantages that we cannot ignore and we should give an eye to its potential dangers.
First of all, it may cause environment - unfriendly impacts during generating nuclear power. You can easily see from TV that the area around nuclear power plants is usualy bare with no trees at all, often a desert. It?Ts due to the radiation caused by the process of nuclear generating. And this radiation prevents trees from growing. Not only big trees but also the bush, including grass can hardly grow there.
Moreover, people working in nuclear power stations are likely to be more vulnerable to some kinds of diseases than others. In a working environment like that, workers have *****ffer from a high level of radiation, which is no doubt no good for their health. A recent article from ?oOil and Gas? magazine states that workers in nuclear power plants get migraine 30% more easily than those working in a normal environment. They are also get sick with the so ?" called radiation sickness.
The most danger of nuclear power is demonstrated by Tresnoburne boom. Hundreds of people died. That?Ts the serious danger power nuclear stations may have. It?Ts true that if there is any trouble with the station, lives of so many people working in the station and living in surounding areas are likey at risk.
In conclusion, with all the above points, do we need to risk our lives once more? One can argue that if we don?Tt develop nuclear power, how can we survive through the coming energy crisis? One of the solutions here is to develop the safer - to ?" produce energies like solar or wind power with our increasingly advanced technologies. That?Ts why I think economic benefits cannot be considered overweighted potential dangers that nuclear power may bring about.

"The economic benefits of nuclear power outweigh the potential dangers." Discuss this statement.

In some countries, it?Ts undeniable that nuclear power is a significant source of energy. The governments may not pay much attention to the potential dangers caused by nuclear power because therê?Tre so many economic benefits from this type of energy, but if we take a look at all the pros and cons we can no longer affirm that economic benefits of nuclear power outweigh the potential dangers.
When fossil fuels like coal, oil, gas, etc. are running out, man has succeeded in finding other kinds of energy such as wind power, solar power, etc. However, it?Ts still very expensive to produce energy from these sources, and the amount of energy produced has been modest. Thus the world had to continue trying hard looking for a more abundant source of energy with reasonable cost of production. And we found it in nuclear power. Of course, like any other energy, nuclear power has its own disadvantages that its potential dangers cannot be overlooked.
First of all, there are observable adverse impacts to the environment during generating nuclear power. You can easily find that the area around nuclear power plants is usually desolate, resembling that of a desert. It?Ts the radiation caused by the process of nuclear generation that makes the surroundings uninhabitable, preventing trees from growing. Only hardy plants like grass can barely survive the onslaught of radiation.
Moreover, people working in nuclear power stations are likely to be more vulnerable to certain kinds of diseases than others. In this working environment, workers are exposed to a high level of radiation, which can undoubtedly affect their health severely. A recent article from ?oOil and Gas? magazine noted that workers in nuclear power plants get migraine 30% more easily than those working in a normal environment. They are also get sick with the sô?"called radiation sickness.
The most unforgettable nuclear power accident was the Chenobyl disaster, with hundreds of deaths caused by radiation fallouts. A meltdown like in Chenobyl case presents the utmost danger a nuclear power plant may cause. Even if there is a minor accident in a nuclear plant, the lives of so many people working in the plant and living in surrounding areas are still likely at risk.
With all the reasons stated above, I think economic benefits cannot be considered overweighting potential dangers that nuclear power may bring about. Do we need to risk our lives by generating more power from nuclear ? One can argue that if we don?Tt develop nuclear power, we may not survive the oncoming energy crisis. One of the possible solutions here, is to develop energies that are safer to produce like solar or wind power with our increasingly advanced technologies, and make them more affordable to everyone.

Hbae787,
thank u so much for your correction. It truly sounds more natural and much better than my writing. I must learn much more, right?
I''ll print and have a closer look to it at home, so that I can learn from u somehow.
Anyway, can I get 5 score for that essay? Could u kindly give some comments to it? Actually, I''m testing my English ''cos It''s quite a long time I haven''t write an essay. And I''m trying hard to improve this writing skill.
Next time, if I post anther, could u all mates here pls help me? grazie molto!

HIc... tìm mãi mới thấy cái topic này...
Tui mới viết trở lại mong bà con giúp đỡ cho điểm và sửa lỗi giùm :
15 september
Some people believe that you should work hard today to prepare for your future, while others believe in the philosophy that ?otomorrow never comes?, so you should enjoy life to the fullest today. Discuss the advantages of each of these philosophies. Then indicate which one you believe and why.
In our social today, there are many way of living still be debated for its advantages : some people think that they should work hard to prepare for their future while the others think they should enjoy their life without thinking about tomorrow. Everyone will choose their best choice depend on their own situation and way of thinking.
In the first opinion, people may have a harder situation and they may face with some difficulties in their life. A poor student learning hard and he gains a good result in school he will be a good employee in the future and have a high salary for his qualification. In contrast, his rich classmate focus on only the games on computer and receive a poor result, he can not find any work himself he then use drug and have HIV. There are a little people born with money and succeed, in fact, almost everyone have to work hard to have his succeed. Furthermore, when people work hard for their brighter future , they will realize the value of money or fame and they will never waste of what they have.
The defender of the philosophy ?otomorrow never comes? may born in a better con***ion that give them a chance to enjoy their life first. The life may be easier for them and they may have a lucky star lighten their way. They likely saw the terrorist attack, the earth quake, the hurricane and others disasters and they think that tomorrow is unable to anticipate.They will do whatever make they feel better today and don?Tt care about what happen to them in the future.
I deeply believe in the first philosophy, maybe its because im not lucky enough to have a good situation without effort. Moreover, may be the happiness that we gain by our own force and ability may taste sweeter than the happiness someone give me.
*****m up, people will have many way of thinking in their life. There is nothing is true for everybody, its quite depend on each situation. In my case, I will work hard for my brighter future.

there are many way???? WAYS
A poor student learning hard and he gains a good result in school he will be a good employee in the future and have a high salary for his qualification?????
A poor student works hard for good gradez @ skul. He may becomes a gud employee .......and has a high wages/salary(cut off da rest please!!!) while his wealthy classmate focuses on computer games; which cause him bad academic result. (pointless and no logically for da rest).
They likely saw the terrorist attack, the earth quake, the hurricane and others disasters and they think that tomorrow is unable to anticipate??????????? Wuts wrong wit u???? r u nuts?
----> They are likely watching....... (News-watcha ??? so???)
There are a little people born with money and succeed, in fact, almost everyone have to work hard to have his succeed??? (who was born with "succeed"?????)
------> A few lucky people were born in wealthy family; Infact, everyone has to work hard to be successful. (but I still dun undastand wut do u mean by diz sentence).
give them a chance to enjoy their life first???
----> Gives. Nhưng nên dùng là "chances"
lucky star lighten their way: a lucky star lightens on their way
maybe its because im -----> maybe i am
than the happiness someone give me???? (THẾ NÀO LÀ hạnh phúc?????)
--------->someone else gives.
There is nothing is true for everybody----> nothing is true or There is nothing true.
its quite depend : IT quite depends on...
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Đọc 1 lần, sửa structurez, và ngữ fáp mà thôi. Còn về nhận xét thì: no attitude! pointless! boring.
Ví dụ: làm sao bạn dùng chữ WILL để nói như đinh đóng cột là:
he will be a good employee in the future???
hoặc giả như phần nói về những người với tinh thần "vui là chính" bạn đưa ra ví dụ rất thiếu lô gíc, theo dõi tin tức tình hình quốc tế đâu có hại gì?????
Về tổng thể, thì đây không phải 1 bài discussion về mặt tốt của 2 tư tưởng trên (đề bài).
Cách viết nên sửa lại, tránh dùng quá nhiều từ thừa hoặc vô nghĩa (ví dụ bạn nói về người mải chơi Games rồi xài ma tuý và bị Sida vì không có công ăn việc làm Là hoàn toàn vô căn cứ, thiếu gì việc làm, không làm thầy, thì làm thợ. Mà sao tự nhiên lại đưa chuyện xài matuý rồi sida vào đây)
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bạn cần có chút Attitude khi viết, cái đó mới quan trọng, còn tất cả các mặt khác, thiếu sót có thể bổ sung, nhưng attitude thì cần phải xây dựng bởi chính mình.
Được onelarge sửa chữa / chuyển vào 00:22 ngày 17/09/2004

Cám ơn bạn tôi sẽ đọc kỹ hơn bài nhận xét và sửa lỗi của bạn... Nhưng bạn có thể cho điểm bài này giùm tôi được không...
Nếu viết trong 30'' thường là quá nghèo nàn về ý tứ đọc hết sức boring... bạn có cách nào cải tiến tình trạng này được ko
Ngữ pháp của tôi thì quá tệ rồi... phải củng cố nhiều hơn nữa... Cám ơn
Some major companies in the United States are discussing the idea of having their employees work ten-hour days, forty hours a week, with three days off instead of two. What are the advantages and disadvantages of such a plan?
18 September
There is a controversial debate about whether having ten ?" hour work days and 3 days off or keeping our work days system as normal. In the both system, working hours are 40 hours a week. Each way have its own advantages and disadvantages and this topic essay will discuss both to point out the better way.
When people have 3 days off, they can enjoy their life better, the amount of happiness of human may increase. With the vendor may see this is a good chance to sell their goods and services . People will spend more time for relax, travel and the needs of shopping for new thing may consequently increase. The family will have a better situation, family member will spend more time staying and taking care each other. Not working in 3 days, the cost for running office may reduce, the attitude of employees to work may be more responsible. After 3 days relax, employees will have a good mood and they will have more creation to improve the productivity, though the employers may be more satisfait with the result.
On the other hand, there still some advantages that can not be omitted. Some lazy people may not work better in weekday but they still have equal free time as the other. Many activities will be delayed to wait for the responsible person come back to work. Some people will lose their client for other market because they travel far from their home town. The more visitors, the more problems in traffic jams, security, environment that the attractive destination may encounter.

In conclusion, despite of some problem, I personally support for the planning of 3 days off. The advantages are various and outweight the disadvantages. Furthermore, we can find a solution to solve the problem that the plan causes.