Xin giúp em review lại bài essay này.

Xin giúp em review lại bài essay này.

Đây chỉ là một dạng college application essay thông thường ạ. Giới hạn trong 800 chữ nhưng thật ra em vẫn cứ viết 1000 chữ. Topic rất rộng, nói về bản thân, vì sao chọn trường này và cả hướng phấn đấu của mình.

All advice will be much appreciated.
Em cám ơn các anh chị rất nhiều ạ.


Essay

I am having a bottle of green tea, sitting down inside a void of air that has many subtle sunny rays dancing subtly on my skin. Nothing can be comparable with such these surroundings to provoke me into deep relaxation. So far I have spent several years solidifying myself against endeavor, risk and others?T hatred that sometimes are supposed to be decisive for one?Ts life, which is the same amount of times I enjoyed my own bottled green tea in plenty of similar sunny days. After all, regardless of how late it can be, I have already thrown back my confidence and give my mind a deep, fresh breath. Having set a brand new challenging aim, I am rushing in stability just for a very beginning.

I grew up lacking parents?T love and care as they have left me at the age six. The one who has always stood beside me is grandfather, or preferably my closet friend. I inherit the bright, thoughtless smile from him and my mother, which I am always aware and proud of. Mother acts as if she were a tiny miserable woman in front of my father, a roamer who preferred social life to stay at home and telling fairy tale to his kids, and either a man who gave me the most horrifying feeling whenever I faced him. Those sequence of events strengthened the wildness and disobedience of an adolescent, thus from the deepest bottom of my heart formed the first storm that soon became a typhoon. I leaded my life uncontrollably. I showed no respect and even detestation to the two I truly love. But then I did realized how much worry and tear they had spent on me, how much pressure and pain mother had *****ffer mainly due to her husband, and now her daughter. Undeniably, there is an abstract bond between me and father which started to take shape. We both did not choose family as our mental part; we loved mundane things that overwhelm the limitless space outside our family. At the end of everything, I had no choice but to dominate my passion and the unruly part of my soul in order to make up for all the faults and miseries I had caused for everyone. This time I idolized peaceful and innocuous life as though I would never wake up and be wakened up. The competitive and inquisitive me merely occurs in many cyber debates and especially music discussions throughout the internet. No matter how communicators claim cyber life to be detrimental in some way, the work of typing music review daily has excited my calmed life so far plus indeed, enhanced my writing and criticizing skill. Nevertheless, I still smelled a scent of regret despite my current family scene: Mother visits me every month, enjoys every laughing and chit-chat with daughter and grandfather. Thing is, how long could I hidden my nature when all torments can be mitigated somehow?


?oA country that is peaceful on the outside but aggressive and wild inside?, I sensed me slightly?

I first approached Japan by the exotic novel ?oNorwegian Wood? of Haruki Murakami, feeling the rough country that is all reflected through youth?Ts vision, lifestyle and complicated relationships. Meanwhile I was trying in vain to expose the two angles of my personality simultaneously, or simply live myself. Although the knots had yet to be opened, I built up curiosity and vague admiration about an unfamiliar place that kind of resembles my soul. From friend to lover, Japan has become closer yet more intriguing to me when I took the initiative in knowing more about it: language, culture, people, modern literature and spontaneously, music. I even imagined me either standing in the middle of the wonderful nature here, or letting myself be in harmony with the graceful world of human emotion, a very Japan-ish world that once was drawn in Yoshimoto Banana?Ts ?oKitchen?. However, I am conscious of that I can merely realize those dreams by pursuing my interest through education.

Ultimately, I decided to be an applicant for Ritsumeikan Asia Pacific University Fall 2007 Semester Admission. The first impression that came into my mind is that APU fully supports students in every aspect: academic training, career-orientation, extracurricular activity and even accommodation. Since APU is dedicated to guide college students beyond the lecture-room, I believe I match almost everything here. The multi-cultural environment plays an important role in expanding the students?T, coming from various countries, international experience and also creates for the school remarkable diversity that is rather rare in Japan, an apparently ?oexclusive? country. In my opinion, because the system here is for dual language education, APU still holds tight Orient tra***ions and values, accompanied with modern spirits and methodologies. That makes Ritsumeikan University stand out in the advanced Japanese education. In ad***ion, my intended major is undoubtedly related to Asia Pacific Studies field, since I have given deep interest in learning about other cultures and languages, as well as international policies due to the fact that our world has been radically changing, and hence my country, Vietnam, is not an exceptional with full of potential and many unsolved issues which has many profound impacts on Vietnamese youth. More specifically, Mass Communication stands the highest priority in my future-career choices, as I prefer working as a freelancer and have been used to analyzing public opinion and broadcasting information throughout the internet. *****m up, APU provide students with two deliberately divided main majors: College of Asia Pacific Studies and College of Asian Management Studies therefore the students can gradually self-discover the careers that suit them most because they are always given the best opportunity to face practical problems and then fly high. As for myself, I do not choose APU as a final target for acquiring knowledge in my favorite field, but an ideal learning environment to find out where my next goal is.

I feel like I completely depend on my youthfulness, because there is a road waiting ahead and I dare to take a full journey along this road. Coming to Beppu and integrating with APU?Ts active community obsessed me positively and right after become a sudden motivation across my long-time break. At this moment, I cannot wait to witness the flowers blossoming at the Lake Karugame, as well as the upcoming spring of my life.
And I still love drinking green tea in a nice sunny day, but with working on my study and the application instead.

hell yeah, competency !!! xẹt xẹt ký kí bụp

Anh ơi sửa giúp em với, em sai grammar cả đống kia kìa. Chắc bài mình viết dai dài hay sao mà ko ai thèm đọc .

Anh sẽ giúp em, nhưng phải chờ anh vài bữa nha!

Sau đây là vài góp ý của anh, hy vọng giúp được một chút cho em:
Nhận xét chung: Nhìn chung anh thấy em viết hơi phức tạp, dùng quá nhiều câu phức. Theo anh em nên đơn giản hơn, sử dụng nhiều loại câu hơn dể bài viết của em phong phú hơn. Em viết những câu quá dài, đọc muốn hụt hơi, có khi lại dễ gây hiểu lầm cho người đọc hơn!
Còn sau đây là những lỗi mà anh phát hiện được, em tự sửa nhé (anh thấy sai ngữ pháp, hay là đó cách em cố ý dùng theo một cấu trúc nào đó mà anh chưa biết, nếu vậy thì bỏ qua những chổ đó). Lỗi này cũng có khi là lỗi chính tả nữa
.
I am having a bottle of green tea, sitting down inside a void of air that has many subtle sunny rays dancing subtly on my skin. Nothing can be comparable with such these surroundings to provoke me into deep relaxation. So far I have spent several years solidifying myself against endeavor, risk and others?T hatred that sometimes are supposed to be decisive for one?Ts life, which is the same amount of times I enjoyed my own bottled green tea in plenty of similar sunny days. After all, regardless of how late it can be, I have already thrown back my confidence and give my mind a deep, fresh breath. Having set a brand new challenging aim, I am rushing in stability just for a very beginning.
I grew up lacking parents?T love and care as they have left me at the age six. The one who has always stood beside me is grandfather, or preferably my closet friend. I inherit the bright, thoughtless smile from him and my mother, which I am always aware and proud of. Mother acts as if she were a tiny miserable woman in front of my father, a roamer who preferred social life to stay at home and telling fairy tale to his kids, and either a man who gave me the most horrifying feeling whenever I faced him. Those sequence of events strengthened the wildness and disobedience of an adolescent, thus from the deepest bottom of my heart formed the first storm that soon became a typhoon. I leaded my life uncontrollably. I showed no respect and even detestation to the two I truly love. But then I did realized how much worry and tear they had spent on me, how much pressure and pain mother had *****ffer mainly due to her husband, and now her daughter. Undeniably, there is an abstract bond between me and father which started to take shape. We both did not choose family as our mental part; we loved mundane things that overwhelm the limitless space outside our family. At the end of everything, I had no choice [but to dominate my passion and the unruly part of my soul in order to make up for all the faults and miseries I had caused for everyone. This time I idolized peaceful and innocuous life as though I would never wake up and be wakened up. The competitive and inquisitive me merely occurs in many cyber debates and especially music discussions throughout the internet. No matter how communicators claim cyber life to be detrimental in some way, the work of typing music review daily has excited my calmed life so far plus indeed, enhanced my writing and criticizing skill. Nevertheless, I still smelled a scent of regret despite my current family scene: Mother visits me every month, enjoys every laughing and chit-chat with daughter and grandfather. Thing is, how long could I hidden my nature when all torments can be mitigated somehow?
Chào em, chúc em thành công với ước mơ của mình!
PS: anh mới sửa tới đoạn này, đoạn dưới anh có xem sơ qua mà chưa kỹ lắm, thấy cũng không có lỗi gì hết..